Friday, 26 December 2008

At The End Of Everything...

Yesterday I celebrated X-Mas for the very first time. My family never celebrated X-Mas other than by putting up an X-Mas tree and some snacks, but because Pieter only celebrates X-Mas this was the first time that it was a truly special day, with unpacking gifts under the tree in the morning, followed by a day filled with yummy food and lots of movies (about 6-7 hours total). I thought it was a fun day, despite multiple attempts on my life by the dogs during the day.

The dogs had been given fleshed out bones by Pieter as their X-Mas present, and on two occasions the dogs managed to place a bone on the stairs, right where one would step on it if unaware of it. Another time one of the dogs managed to lob his bone between the steps of the staircase to the second floor down to the staircase underneath it, a second after my head passed through that very location. Just goes to prove that dogs are actually planning to take the lives of the people around them all the time. Best friend of man... yeah right. We (meaning Pieter ;) ) even had to clean up the mess they made during the day, including one dog barfing up on the floor and others pretending that they hadn't been outside for a week by springing a leak, if you catch my drift. Ah well :P

To me this year represents the end of a lot of things and steps into an uncertain future. At one side I have cut off communications with nearly everyone, including my direct family, as I simply do not feel comfortable being around 'normal' people. At the other hand I have got lots of work, am working on a game with my dear friend Trevor, who is also giving me a hand with a new big, commercial project I started a short while ago, something which I'm enjoying a lot, as I get to learn and do things which are new to me. If things work out, Trevor and I could have a very successful software and game development company next year.

Lately I have been sleeping okay, thanks to the sleeping pills I'm taking now. My subconsciousness won't leave me alone, though, and likes to rub it in via my dreams that I am different. Many of my dreams feature contact with others, and never, not even in the dreams of many, many years ago, have I ever felt like I had an identity. I'm either an observer or a child, though sometimes a child with the body of an adult, including the desires, which I then experience in a very distant manner, without understanding and without enjoying.

Sunday and Monday night I ended up crashing emotionally, crying myself to sleep after a hysteria attack, which was especially severe on Sunday night. Tuesday morning I went to see Pieter shortly after getting out of bed as I was feeling horrible again. The rest of the time, such as right now, I try to diffuse the pain and frustration I feel inside through a mask of indifference.

What I have come to realize is that with things like this, I can not be among others, as doing so only hurts me. The world I feel happiest in is a cold, clinical environment, where I can work on all kinds of technological and scientific projects without ever having to deal with emotions ever again. Emotions beyond those of a child, of course, as it are the more developed emotions of an adult which I can not deal with, which have never (properly) developed inside me, but rather torn out of the soil and trampled to be left to rot and fester in the sun and rain.

My rational side is most definitely on the level of an adult, even far beyond the capabilities of the average person. In terms of emotional skills, I doubt it'll ever reach the level of even a 12-year old. I intend to at least protect the childish emotions I do have and which are stable. If I have to completely isolate myself from society except through my work, so be it. Clearly nobody cares about whether I am truly happy, for I am not.

Pieter can see it in me as well, and not just when he is sitting beside me, offering me comfort when I'm crying uncontrollably again. I'm feeling absolutely and totally miserable inside. There is so much pain inside of me that there is little place for anything else. During one of the many times that the pain had welled up and taken control of me I came up with the idea to get some attention for my pain and suffering through a truly last-ditch effort: a hunger strike. Thing is, rationally I can see some benefit in this idea as well.

Yes, it is desperate, and it is risky physically, but it'll allow me to get the attention I feel I need. Right now I can feel the chaos and pain swirling inside of me, like a black vortex. I realize that no matter what I do, this vortex is only getting bigger and will consume me at some point. It just needs enough stimulation, which is the reason why I am cutting myself off from the outside world. Yet what I desire is a way to actually resolve this stand-off. I'm not going to let some stupid, ignorant and selfish people ruin my life like this.

I want to lead a 'normal' life, I don't want to lock myself up and pretend I already am happy, that I can just pretend I don't have an adult body. I want to live... Yet the way I have been treated and still am indicates to me that I do not truly exist. There is no definition for what my body is, my emotional distress is duly ignored and the stress of living with a fake official identity, nor its emotional effects seem to ring any alarm bells. Nothing I do matters. Everybody will just ignore it. That is my general feeling. When somebody offers help I'll just smile, as not a single grain of hope is left in me.

Just a bit longer and it'll be exactly 4 years since I started to ask for attention and help for my situation. Four years filled with fighting against a wrong conclusion by 'experts', them accusing me of hitting my own mother, of being not right in my head, of being a very confused boy. Four years of having every thing I said misinterpreted or ignored. Four years of others showing me that the world of adults is a cruel and unforgiving place, with sexuality being so crucial and yet so sick and twisted. Four years of waiting and more waiting and disappointment after disappointment, of desperately searching for help and only getting told that I'm just male, of getting a medical opinion (twice) confirming the best-case scenario, only to have others disagree with it again.

I truly see no hope in a fifth year...


Wednesday, 17 December 2008


To answer the many comments I have received on my previous postings, here are my responses.

First of all, I accept that my body is primarily female in build, and also that I have always felt more comfortable with the role of a girl, or woman. I'd even go so far as saying that I have never felt male, can not imagine being one, and most definitely can not understand males. So far it sounds pretty okay, right?

My issues are many, with the physical issues centering around things like:

Being unhappy with/uncertain about my voice. I get a lot of nasty remarks about it, and while generally I try not to pay a great deal of attention to it, I'd really like to have the effects of the high testosterone levels undone through surgery.

Having facial hair growth. It's okay if people don't touch my face if they aren't yet aware of this, but if it were to happen and someone would recoil in horror/disgust or so, I'd gladly die on the spot. Having red marks after shaving is another thing thing I hate and something which is hard to cover up in the summer. The laser hair-removal therapy works, but will take at least another year.

Those are things which hurt and make me feel uncertain, whether it's in public or talking via phone. Their impact is not as great as the more purely emotional issues have on me.

Not having a sexual identity. Even aside from all the negativity I have encountered related to sexuality, my impression is that physically I am incapable of having sex. Incapable in the sense that there's a kind of mismatch between physical parts and the neural layout, leading to only disappointments and frustration. This is also the primary reason why I want more research on how my body is put together, how it works and what can possibly be fixed about it.

Unless one goes through something similar, it'd be hard to imagine the sheer amount of mental and emotional distress this kind of not knowing, not understanding generates. It is why I can not deal with references to sexuality and/or relationships no matter in which form, as it all reminds me of this big gap in me.

For the physical side, it hurts to know that sex with a female is both physically and neurologically a kind of travesty, while sex with a male is physically impossible as far as I'm concerned. Both of this generates a lot of bitterness inside me, makes me want to pretend sexuality doesn't exist, that my body doesn't have all these useless desires.

In all this, how am I supposed to feel like a girl? How am I supposed to be happy? What does having this body offer me but pain and frustration? Should I ignore all these things which I can not explain or deal with? I try, I fail regularly, it causes more pain.

I think too much, you say? I should just seek the things which make me happy and move from there? That too I have tried. You don't know what it's like to be happy one moment, then see, hear or read something which triggers what feels like a super-charged electric shock inside you, which makes you feel dazed and absolutely miserable for the rest of the day. You tell my subconsciousness to stay out of this. I can't do it.

As for my reasoning that I am 'nothing', I know that I have to be something something intersexual, but it's a huge range of more distinct labels. Like someone searching for a name for the disease one has, finally knowing the exact name and definition of it is an extremely relieving moment, even if that disease is terminal. There's nothing humans fear more than the unknown, the undefinable.

In other news, next Monday I've got an appointment with my GP. I have been feeling more and more tired every day, taking frequent naps and generally being short of breath during exercise, even if it's walking a few hundred meters. I have had this more or less my entire life already, but it seems to be getting worse this year. Since my mother had anemia when she was a child I'd like to have this option checked out.


Friday, 12 December 2008

Dodging Bullets...

No, Alianirlian, I haven't made a terminal decision. What I'm going through these past weeks I'd rather describe as a war, a war between rational and emotional sides. This war has really entered a new phase ever since my last visit to the hospital and is making my life more difficult than ever before.

At this moment I refuse to visit family as well as lots of other people, my phone is turned off, I quit MSN, and I have restricted my internet access to just a few trusted sites. This all purely out of self-protection, or self-preservation even.

The thing is that my emotional side has had it, has snapped, has gone over the edge, has flipped out, has gone down in flames, left with a bang, etcetera. I could write down a list of at least 2,645 instances of things which I just have to read, hear, see or merely think about and which'll bring me crashing down into the pits of utter despair and emotional distress. I can feel this despair and frustration churning just below the surface every second that I am awake, even if it isn't controlling me.

The knowledge that I can be relatively happy one moment, encounter one of the hundreds of possible triggers for my traumas and related, and feel like absolute and utter s*** for the next few hours, probably wearing me out so much that I'll need to sleep for a few hours... I don't even want to deal with people in general anymore, as at any point in a conversation they can say something which'll make me feel like that. Same with movies, music...

I've had an appointment with a psychiatrist last week Tuesday. Yesterday I got a letter informing me that I have an appointment with the same psychologist I had before during which he'll advise me on what next or so. This'll take place on January the 13th. My impression so far with the whole psychiatrist thing? Utterly useless. I'd be long dead and buried if I were to actually rely on them before they'd even finished working their way through useless, widely spaced appointments involving merely talking and tests. I can see absolutely no practical use here.

Equally useless is the medical system. I'm left with dozens of questions about my body, but no doctor appears to be interested to even listen to me. I'm still waiting on that report from the gynaecologist/sexologist as well. It is due to this that my emotional side has gone completely haywire. How can I not see myself as a freak, an abomination, a thing without definition, without a right to exist? When I talked to my GP earlier this week, she agreed that there is indeed no suitable description for me using which I could introduce myself to others. I'm not a girl, I'm not a guy, I'm not confirmed intersexual. Ergo I'm nothing.

I'm a faceless, identity-less human, a person with no further definition. Other than my intellectual capacities there is nothing, can be nothing. This is all I am, all I'll ever be. Why was I born like this? Why me? Why is this frickin' world so goddamn unfair? Why doesn't anyone truly give a damn, merely pat me on the shoulder and walk on? What the f*** can I do with wishes for the best or such nonsense. It won't feed a starving person either.

I've been dreaming a lot the past weeks. Those dreams have mostly been about this war, this struggle with myself and my surroundings. One dream repeated a few times in a different setting, these involved me getting close to a girl, with her then leaving me suddenly or something happening which made it impossible for me to ever contact her again. This definitely refers to how I feel that I've just been used by all girls I thought I got close to, who got their fun and then left me without giving me a second thought.

What do I have but my intellectual pursuits? Nothing as far as I can tell. I doubt there truly is that 'someone perfect' for me, and even if there is, my emotional side will never allow me to trust anyone ever again, or so it feels. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... there are times when I feel like I'm just a box, which, if someone were to shake me, would rattle loudly inside. And no glue in sight.


Thursday, 11 December 2008

Someone Perfect...

To find someone who is just like me, who shares
The same desires and dreams, values and likes.
Someone I could talk with about anything, any time,
Who'd listen and whom I'd listen to in turn, who'd
Share, provide, take and give, always ending up with
More than we'd start with, losing track of time.

Gazing into your eyes, I see every part of myself
Exposed, lying bare to the elements within your soul.
Simultaneously you're exposed to me likewise, I feel
Every sensation of unrest, of doubt calmed like the
Waves upon an endless sea, warmed by the shining sun.
I wish I could stay in this warmth, this calm forever...

As this dream is breached and begins to fade away,
Harsh reality informs me that I'm merely a fool.
Never shall I find such a person, despite all of my
Searching for something which is unobtainable.
Yet the dream lingers on, never letting me forget
Its sweet caress and intense inner peace and joy.

Life is merely a grey copy, a reflection in a
Dust-covered mirror, only harshness reigns supreme.
The comparison with the dream, the pain I feel inside.
If destined to never meet you, I wish to rip out this pain,
Discard what is useless to me, leaving me in ignorance of
What could have been, only captured in a fading dream.

As I keep searching, the dream fades away ever more,
The feelings I desperately protect inside withering.
Fading hope, ever-increasing pain, loneliness. No one
Who can answer the dream, all I see are reflections of
A lie others indulge in, feeding their sense of misery,
Yet never realizing how their lives have been destroyed.

My ambitions still reaching for the far-away horizon,
Stumbling on, your image nothing but a blur to me.
In the distance, distorted, a figure. Standing still,
Waiting. For someone? For me? Such nonsense.
Coming closer, the blur a real person again, the
Embrace, the eyes, the warmth. Perfection.


Thursday, 20 November 2008


I'm not sure why I'm writing this blog anymore. Yes, it helps me to get things off my chest for a bit, but beyond that it's utterly useless. All I do is whine about how pathetic me and my life are. Ah well, at least it's a helpful indicator for those who've placed bets on when I'll finally commit suicide (I wouldn't be surprised if some sick f***s are really doing this).

Tuesday I had a terrible headache the entire day in addition to a nasty cold, with which I'm still struggling. My throat is nice and raw from the coughing by now. Yesterday I put up the advertisements for my PC repair services and such at a few local supermarkets with the help from Pieter. I'll see what comes from it. I also sent some receipts to my insurer so that I'll hopefully get a few hundred Euro back from those blood suckers...

Yesterday while Pieter was away for his D&D evening with friends. I kind of sank away in the mood I had felt coming that entire day already. I started crying, felt that there was no point in maintaining relations with humans other than from a business perspective. I gave up on the human race in general, felt that only an AI is capable of being a proper intelligence and that humans might as well start dropping dead right now. I wouldn't care.

Then, as I was preparing for bed I must have disliked what I saw in the mirror or so, because I suddenly started carving myself up with my nails. Right now I still got some pretty bad wounds from it on my chest. I don't think that they're deep enough to become scars, but still. It completely violates the vow to myself that I'd never do any kind of permanent harm to my body. I feel bad about this...

I must have reached breaking point... please lock me up now before I really do something bad to myself... perhaps a mental institute isn't such a bad place after all. A straitjacket and a padded room seem like the ideal clothing and environment for me.


Monday, 17 November 2008


*frees the hair that has become stuck to her face with dried tears*


I just stopped reading a series of books I had borrowed from Pieter, as while just reading the first book it has managed to trigger a series of traumas for the second time now. Finding oneself devastated by a fictional story just because it has elements in it which seems to tear open internal wounds which will never fully heal, isn't my idea of spending quality time with a book.

Saturday I felt pretty good the entire day. I read a few chapters in my book before I went to bed and found myself being comforted by Pieter a few minutes later. Just now I managed to tear myself out of another hysteria attack which started while reading that same book again.

Yesterday and today I've felt loathing, fear and disgust for anything related to sexuality in a way that is much more severe than before. I want to cut everything related to it out my life, every memory, every physical part, every remembered phrase and image. I don't want there to be men and women, just people. People who don't hurt each other, who actually give a damn about what the other person thinks, feels and experiences.

Right now all I see are whores and sluts and players and the people who want to be like them. Nearly everyone I talk to has experiences which will send me into a withdrawal attack for sure. I hate girls who like men, who tell about their experiences, their preferences... I hate men who like girls and talk about them, especially as if they're cattle.

Hate, hate, hate... Pain, pain, pain... I can not understand, I can not deal with it, I just want to get away from the pain which threatens to rip me apart. I don't want to lie crying uncontrollably on my bed whilst cringing in mental pain for hours nearly every day. How can I make this stop? I'll do it no matter what it is. I'll slice any artery, pierce or cut off any part of my body, murder whoever may hold the key. Anything...

I want to live... not in fear of when the next thing passes by which triggers my traumas and makes me feel horrible again. I feel broken, a shell filled with only the trembling remains of an existence. The only things which bring me solace are cold, rational things. Things which do not involve people and the chaos they bring with them. I grew up with computers and I'll always treasure technology more than whichever person.

Technology and science don't hurt... don't ridicule, or act like primordial clumps of raw stupidity and evil. I can't get over how ridiculous people are. Embedding themselves firmly in ignorance they fail to see what's truly out there, that if they were to just cast off their primal ancestry and grasp the concept of logic, they could finally embrace reality and existence.

I so despise people...


Saturday, 15 November 2008

Shifting Definitions~

Yesterday I had my appointment with the gynaecologist/sexuologist at the AMC in Amsterdam. Much of what I remember of those two hours is me being questioned on every single detail of my life while forbidden to speak while she was writing things down. At least I never had to repeat anything for her. She understood my situation, understood that I'm not transsexual either. That's right, I'm rid of the 'transsexual' label I got forced on me four years ago. As she recognizes that I feel like a woman and see my body as being that of a woman, there's no way to make it fit the definition of transsexuality.

As for the physical examination which also took place... Thanks to a urologist who joined the examination, I got confirmation that a) I do indeed not have a foreskin and b) I have a (very tiny) prostate. The point I indicated as the place where I feel what I suspect to be a vagina is located, is not near the anal part and thus I was not using the backdoor, so to speak :P

As to what I do have there... she said it can't be a vagina, says that I'd have to be something like an outgrowth of the urinary tract, something they said in Germany as well after a re-evaluation at the first clinic. This is a conclusion I find remarkable, as it'd have to fit the fact that I can penetrate myself there as far as the skin allows (even with two fingers...), is my primary erogenous spot and in general shows some remarkable qualities I'd never expect to see in the urinary tract. Some explanation here would be welcome for sure.

So anyway, this gynaecologist will contact a psychologist at the VUMC's gender team, to come to a conclusion about what kind of definition to give my condition. I have no idea what they'll come up with. Someone who thinks that he/she is female both mentally as physically is remarkable enough, with the conclusion of 'mentally deranged' hinging only on whether the body of this person is actually feminine or not. Despite what some rather mean people say to me, I still think that my body is remarkably feminine for a supposed 'boy'.

Another thing I can't figure out is that a) I have a prostate which is probably non-active by now due to the hormones, b) when sexually aroused I produce a lot (probably tens of ml) of a clear liquid and c) I can't figure out where it's coming from or what it is exactly. In terms of properties this liquid is similar to vaginal fluids produced during arousal, but I'm not supposed to have a vagina, so...

Yesterday I was accompanied to the hospital by Pieter and a good friend of mine, a girl I've known for about a year already but who I met for the first time on Thursday. She stayed the night and left after dinner on Friday. We've talked a lot while she was here and she has provided me with a lot of support, and didn't even freak out when I went into a kind of withdrawed state after she accidentally triggered one (or more, it's hard to differentiate) of my traumas.

She also attempted to make me feel that sexuality doesn't have to be a scary, traumatizing thing. Aside from frequent, random moments of near-terror during this, I feel that it was a success. It hasn't cured me instantly, of course, but I feel that I can deal with the topic at least 0.1% better now :)

At any rate she and I will be meeting more often from now, and I really hope that we can build up some kind of relationship.. As it's all new to me, I find that I'm shielding many parts of especially my emotional side still. Part of me simply expects things to crash and burn, based on previous experiences. It's hard to believe one has truly found an oasis after having chased mirages for years.

Anyway, after a short brush with slavery (I tried to apply for a job at Gentronics, but got scared away by the requirements since I only finished HS), I'm going to start advertising my company's services both here in Almere as well as (inter)nationally. Let's hope it becomes a success.

It'd be nice if our first game (out before X-mas :P ) sold well too :) One can always hope, I guess. First I need to find some people who can do sound and modelling.

I solved the mystery of a few thousand Italians visiting my blog as well. My video got posted on the Italian Yahoo site ( ) and thus people came to learn more about me :)


Saturday, 8 November 2008

My TV Debut

Here is the video, as promised :)

That Blue Yonder~

Suffice it to say that I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up multiple times, had plenty of dreams of which I can only remember fragments and feelings of and I'm still trying to forget about that good friend, as the thought of it still confuses and sickens me. My mind is simply hurting from the incomprehension, from not being able to understand it in the slightest. Makes me want to kill things, and throw away this body together with this stupid mind's emotions and subconsciousness.

Talking about which, a brilliant, if I may say so, thought occurred to me this morning. I've been working on this artificial intelligence for a while, but keep getting stuck on the pile of work that is converting external, analogue data (sound, vision, &c) to the internal format, not to mention that it isn't that easy to develop a library which supports a nearly unlimited number of video cameras and microphones as well as other input devices :P

Anyway, the idea I got was to limit the AI to only interacting via digital text. As the goal for this AI is to make it self-aware and capable of using human language, this suits perfectly fine as an initial setup. Think of all those cheesy sci-fi movies in which an AI or alien intelligence has embedded itself in one of the computers and the crew (read: hapless victims) can only communicate with it via a screen and a keyboard. I'm also planning to hook it up to an IRC network, to give it some room to play if you know what I mean ;)

The thing is that the core algorithms of the brain are so much more simple than the input/output ones. As this project doesn't use artificial neural networks (ANNs) like others, the proper use of algorithms is very crucial. As a side note, this AI project is called Jinzou Ningen - Khipu, where 'Jinzou Ningen' is Japanese for 'Artificial Human' and is the main project. 'Khipu' is the name of the sub-project focusing on AI (the brain of the body), which is Aztec for the data storage system they used involving strings tied to a central string, with knots in those strings to indicate certain values. The AI being developed is thus called 'Khipu AI', or KAI for short. Yes, I'm a technology and history geek ^_^

To get back to my own, physical and emotional situation... The things I want/need are:
- An official name/gender change.
- Recognition for my IS condition by a doctor.
- Money, lots of money.
- Some way to deal with sexuality and the traumas connected to it.
- Certainty about whether I do or don't have a vagina/prostate/and so on.
- Certainty about whether I'm a chimera or not.
- Surgery based on the facts about my body to make me feel happiest.

Anyway, today I'm going to put up the first advertisements for my PC repair/consulting and website/software development activities here in Almere at some local supermarkets. Those who live in Almere or near it could perhaps advertise for me as well. The website/software development activities I do internationally, however, so those could be advertised pretty much anywhere. I'll be updating the Nyanko website so that it's finally up to date again. I'll finish the specification for the (half-finished) site today so that I can finish implementing it by Monday.

I can't wait to hear my child speak its first words...


Friday, 7 November 2008

Body For Sale, Only Slightly Used~

The past days have been really about my TV debut and I feel as though the fall-out from it has only just begun. I'm getting a lot of comments, mostly positive, but the occasional remark which makes me want to curl up in a dark corner and die from the pain inside, especially remarks about my voice. Yes, I know that I haven't got the perfect female voice, but to say that I sound like a male I think is quite offending. Yet such remarks address the uncertainty I feel about myself in general, and make me feel horrible. It does reinforce my desire to get a vocal cord surgery after all.

Anyway, Omroep Flevoland is sending me a DVD of the broadcast, which I should receive tomorrow. I'll try to get a subtitled version online as soon as I can. The video will be uploaded on YouTube.

Today a good friend let slip that he's looking for casual sex on certain websites. The millisecond after I realized this I just felt sick inside, to the point where my emotions completely overtook me and I had to forcefully drag myself downstairs to my bed to sleep. By the time I woke up I felt better, but even as I type this, my mind is reeling at its inability to understand why he'd do such an in my eyes horrible thing. I find sexuality in itself already a horrible, horrible thing, but casual sex is like the worst sin of all. My emotional side is just about to keel over from outrage and shock right now. I want to cry, scratch myself, hurt myself using my fists, blunt objects, knives and whatever I can find.

Ironic is that today I also got a phone call from doctor Linthorst informing me that I've got an appointment with a gynaecologist on Friday morning. This while I feel like I have never hated my body so much before. In the case that the gynaecologist finds nothing of interest, I'm not sure what I'll do. It'll be curtains as far as the medical side goes, I guess.

There are two things which devastate me the most. One is my body and my lack of knowledge about it. The second are my various traumas, mostly those regarding sexuality (rape, assault, casual, pointless sex, and so on). Both of them together are doing an excellent job of destroying my sanity. The former is relatively easily solved if any doctor and/or surgeon would put his moral dilemma about cutting into a healthy person aside and favour my continued mental and physical health. Someone is going to cut into this body anyway. I did it before and at this rate I fear I might do it again. I just don't know how deep yet.

The latter issue is not so easily solved. I'm sure that I'll never fully get rid of those traumas, but with the former issue resolved and if I were to experience how sexuality (and love) _can_ be pleasant (right now sexuality and everything related to it come straight out of a horror movie), things might actually improve.

So, I'm really hoping that next Friday something good happens, of only so that I won't snap and do something I (or those who survive me) may regret.

Say, I'd like to trade in this body for a more regular model...


Wednesday, 5 November 2008

TV Debut~

Well, aside from me working a lot not much happened since my previous blog post. Other than me sending an email on Thursday to a local TV channel (Omroep Flevoland), with a description of my story and whether they might be interested in it. The next day I got a phone call from them, during which they told me that they were interested and I got an appointment for an interview this Wednesday.

On Saturday I went to visit my grand parents. It was quite fun to talk with them again since I hadn't seen them since early this year (January). I helped them with their PC a bit and I got some food from their own garden to take home with me. I also borrowed some more money from them, to bridge the gap until I get some income.

On Sunday I went swimming with Pieter at the local pool again. He got it recommended as it'd be good for his back to swim once a week or so. Meaning that I get to tag along :D Afterwards we had some french fries at a local fast food place. Definitely a fun day.

Less fun was that on Saturday night I got another... hysteria or so attack. I had an headache after returning home which worsened until I felt like I was about to get a migraine, so I went to lie down in my bed for a bit in the dark. The moment my head touched the pillow I started crying which worsened into me trying to hurt myself, which I thankfully recognized and managed to prevent this time. Pieter once again came to see what was going on and comforted me afterwards.

It's interesting for that to happen since on the other hand I feel more and more distant to pretty much anything related to emotional things. I don't care much for relations, sexuality, friendship and such any more, yet I can laugh much more at jokes, enjoy a good movie lots more and am much more free in my actions than before, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, today I had the interview. It was kind of fun and went well in my opinion. The broadcast will take place tomorrow (Thursday) on TV after 5.30 PM and radio after 5 PM. A full schedule can be found at where one can also look up old broadcasts and view them again. Since it's in Dutch I'll try to obtain a copy of the video soon, subtitle and upload it to YouTube so that I can display it here on my blog as well.

On Friday or Saturday I'll also put up advertisements for my PC repair and web development activities here in Almere. Hopefully this'll generate some short-term income.


Friday, 31 October 2008

Two Steps Forward~

This week has been quite eventful so far. On Wednesday I began to feel a severe pain in the lower-right part of my abdomen, along with a headache. Aside from the pain which persisted whether I was standing, sitting or lying down it hurt even more when I had to go to the bathroom. I had been feeling nauseous a few times each day by then already. That Wednesday I also had a talk with a girl via MSN which kind of upset me, resulting in me leaving the house and walking for 1.5 hours.

The next morning I felt really sore, my entire lower abdominal area hurted now and I began to develop a mild fever, up 0.5C from normal. Nothing serious but still. Thursday I wanted to visit my GP with those symptoms, but they didn't have a spot for me, so I stayed most of the day in bed. By the end of the day I felt somewhat better. Today I didn't feel too bad. My temperature is nearly back to normal, though I still feel quite tired. My abdomen are still somewhat painful and going to the bathroom still hurts. I hope it'll be over soon.

Yesterday I sent an email to a local TV and radio broadcaster, Omroep Flevoland, containing a summary of my current situation with the question of whether they might be interested in using it for a program. Today I got a phone call from them. In short they want to make a program based on my story, both for TV and radio. Next Wednesday they'll be here.

I lost one potential new web development project this week, but I may have gained two more, one short-term, another early next year. We hope to finish our first game early December as well and make a nice profit on it. For the short term I still need to borrow money, though.

That's one reason why I'm visiting my grand parents tomorrow, though it's nice to see them again regardless :) So tomorrow morning I'll be leaving early and be back before dinner time (5-6 PM). It takes 1.5 hour by train. Then Sunday I'll go swimming at the local pool with Pieter again. He's been having some issues with his back again (since last year) and he got a recommendation to go swimming as this'd be very good for building up the strength in his muscles. I'll just be tagging along in other words :P

In other news, I've had a bit of fall-out with the ReactOS project's developers. You can read about it on the developers mailing list archive for this month. In short I proposed introducing a system to allow 'apprentice' programmers to join the project as well as urge people to start writing specifications prior to implementing something, so as to provide documentation for the next person to work on the same thing, among other reasons. Right now I don't feel like working on ReactOS is a good investment of my spare time any more. Trying to get started on the USB stack was a complete wild goose hunt, as the information I needed was everywhere. It'd have taken me a month just to get started on understand how things work internally in Windows/ReactOS. Since none of the previous developers who worked on USB support left any specs or notes, I'd have to redo all of their research. No thanks.

So anyway, I've suspended all my work on the project except for the new installer project, as I've got two apprentice programmers I'm guiding through things and I'd feel like a total bastard if I'd abandon them now. So yeah.


Wednesday, 29 October 2008


Yesterday after writing my blog post I went to bed. This time I didn't go immediately to sleep, however. For some reason I felt like pleasuring myself, with unexpected consequences. In short, yes it was satisfying and yes, it made me feel better about myself. It followed a familiar pattern, though. I pleasured myself using both sides, with as result that my male side is even more useless now that it's covered with open wounds. One female orgasm. My female side was even more receptive and felt much better, there is still a huge blockage preventing me from fully enjoying it, but it nevertheless felt good. Two female orgasms. The skin covering my female side hurts afterwards, though.

Afterwards I was lying there, realizing how much of a fool I've been, letting people brainwash me. I am a hermaphrodite girl, I have got a vagina. I will make them admit this, no matter what the cost. In a moment I'll be going to arrange me getting a new GP as I don't like my new one. I'll also be looking again for ways to get publicity for my situation. I'd appreciate your help with it very much :)

This nonsense has to stop right here and right now. If I'm going down it'll be fighting, not shivering and trembling in a dark corner like a frightened child.


Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Hanging On...

Yesterday's poem seems to have caused quite a bit of controversy. At one forum I used to visit in the past they even thought that I had (finally) committed suicide. That's not how I intended it. It wasn't a scream for attention either. It's a summary of the thoughts which fill my mind every day, especially when I'm tired or have just been confronted with how different I am again. They're about as boring as re-runs on TV now.

My attempts to seal away my emotional side are progressing smoothly. I find that I care less and less about anything and generally feel less upset. I guess this is my way of accepting that nothing will ever change and that I have to survive somehow. Yes, I'm becoming more isolated and no, this won't last forever. I will die within about a year at this rate, but I guess I just have to accept that as well.

How does one respond to a death sentence? Generally the five stages of acceptance are involved. First there's denial: how can they do this to me? Why don't they help me? Then there's anger, feeling outraged at the injustice being done to one. Next there's bargaining, trying to reduce one's sentence, attempting to get at least something more out of it.

The last two stages are depression, not seeing the point of fighting any more, let alone the point of anything else. Why should I care? Nothing I do matters anyway. It'll be over soon. Then finally there's acceptance. Accepting that things can not be changed, that they're okay this way. Being able to live with it.

It feels as though I'm between depression and acceptance at this point. I still feel a lot of bitterness and resentment, but they're slowly changing into sadness. It'll pain me to leave this life, but they call it unpredictable for a reason. Learn to live with it, with who and what you are. So I will. There's a chance I might live on... but it'd require me to fully accept that I'll never know who and what I am, that I'll have to live without knowing my real identity, with multiple identities in my dealings with others, that I'll never experience a lot of things including intimacy, love, friendship, and anything else which require one to 'connect' with another human.

In essence I'd have to abandon any kind of feelings, turning somewhat into the person I was in 2004, with no emotions, just living in a world of rational thoughts. It'll be hard and I'd much rather not do this... but I want to live so badly that I'll do whatever it takes to prevent myself from doing anything stupid like sticking a knife into my tummy.

Anyway, the past few days I've had this weird headache, with me feeling very nauseous and downright sick around noon which I only seem to be able to effectively deal with by sleeping. I now sleep around three hours during the day, up from the two hours of before. Another thing I'm experiencing is a tingly sensation, mostly on my right hand and arm, which sometimes expands over most my body. It feels like when the blood circulation has been cut off to one's limbs for a while after sleeping in a weird position. I'm not sure what causes it. It might have something to do with me quitting the anti-depressants cold-turkey over a week ago, though I didn't see such effects in the instructions I got with the anti-depressants.

Today I've managed to work a lot on the technical specification for the new ReactOS installer. I've finished the first few descriptions of the wizards, just a couple more to go and then some coding and file layout sections. This is only the first draft, of course. It's amazing how many little details one always needs to put in later, or even complete features, not to mention the zillion things one finds one has to research.


Monday, 27 October 2008

A Different World~

Last night I slept quite well, thankfully. I woke up feeling nothing more than quite sore still from the night before. I slumbered until 10.45 AM, only to discover then that last night summer time ended and the clocks had to be turned back by one hour :P

Pieter left for his parents for a birthday party not long after I got up so I had the house to myself. So what did I decide to do? Geeking out, of course! :D For the ReactOS project I had to arrange some more things for the new installer sub-project (ROSE) I'm managing. I didn't get to write much more of the specification today, however. I should get it over with soon so that I can get the people I recruited for this sub-project something to do other than setting up a development and/or testing environment.

I also planned to do some Japanese to English translation work today on some Japanese manga (comic), but didn't get to it either. I promised I'd get the first chapter of it done by today, so I feel kind of guilty again.

So what did I do today? Organizing the ROSE project, setting up the Nyanko Intranet servers, planning a new project I've been toying with for a while already called Koneko, and organizing some other projects as well as planning next week work-wise.

The new Nyanko Intranet is really shaping up nicely now. I've been using the hardware which was lying around already to create two servers, one a Sempr0n... er, sorry Sempron :P 2800+ with 1 GB RAM, a small OS HDD and a 160 GB RAID 1 array. The other system is an Athlon X2 4450E with 4 GB RAM and a 120 GB RAID 1 array which'll be the primary server, running the SSH forwarding service (unless a security audit proves that a separate physical system is better), HTTP, FTP, SVN, MySQL and so on. The other server is used to provide mirroring of critical data on the primary server. Off-line backups will be made on HDDs in a rotating fashion (not re-using the same backup media twice in a row). Off-site backups are being planned.

I'm still looking for a new 3D modelling guy; the first one I contacted hasn't replied yet so far. Trevor is pretty much done with the game editor he has been working on for the past weeks. This editor integrates with the game engine to allow us to quickly produce our games. I'm still working on the scripts for some of those first games we'll release, something I had hoped to have finished sooner as well. Anyway, if we can just find a 3D modelling guy (or girl :P ) and an audio person, then we're all set for alpha/beta testing before the end of next month. I can't wait.

Another big thing to work at is the content management system for the new Nyanko site. I hope to have this done in 1-2 weeks time, after which the new Nyanko site can be launched. Starting tomorrow I'll also be hunting for new paid projects, web development or otherwise, to pay for my bills. Anyone knows some work for me, or of a place where I can find such work? Please leave me a hint :) My contact details are on my main site. Thanks in advance :)

I guess I didn't tell about Koneko yet... in essence it's the first prototype of a rapid prototyping machine, a 3D printer if you wish. The goals for this prototype at this moment are a maximum sample size of 30x30x30 cm and a resolution of 0.5-1 mm. I'm considering making it a semi-open project, to attract the attention of people who might want to add to it. I'm not the type who advocates open source or similar in most situations, and I won't do so here either. My goal is not to share my products with everybody, 99% of whom would just get it because it's free, but to give the final product away or sell it to those, and only sharing what's inside with those who truly care. That, I think is the greatest failing of the Open Source movement, to not really draw out the talent in people, but rather to lazily languish and let the mixture sit on the stove for months or years and hope something happens.

But that's part of another rant. It's time for me to sleep now. My body tells me it's 1.14 AM instead of 12.14 AM and I think I should listen to it :)


Saturday, 25 October 2008

Welcome Back To Purgatory~

Frankly I'm not sure what to think any more. The only thing which seems clear to me is what I want and what I can do in my work, intellectually. Yesterday night I couldn't sleep, couldn't find a comfortable position, started to get annoyed at little things, like part of my bed covers touching my neck or just not feeling comfortable somewhere, or just when I felt something itch again. Eventually I just started scratching myself with my nails with excessive force, then started punching my upper body and tummy as well as inflicting pain in other ways. This lasted until I forced myself to quit and grasp my bed covers really tightly while fighting the urge to inflict more and more pain. The thought of plunging a knife into my abdomen seemed like a wonderful idea, or so my emotional side kept telling me.

My crying woke up Pieter, who came to my room at around 2.10 AM and stayed with me and comforted me until I felt somewhat calmed down. The rest of the night I spent in his bed, as I didn't want to be alone.

The past days, ever since I quit with the anti-depressants have been marked by an increase in my sensory perception, heightened awareness of my environment and my emotions. I can cry again when I feel horrible, instead of just sink away into some passive state. For these reasons I'm glad I quit with the anti-depressants.

So why do I feel so terrible, so tired so often? Why does everything from relationships to sexuality to just plain seeing others hurt? Why am I feeling disgusted with my own body more and more often? Am I obsessing about my medical questions? Why do people call it an obsession when you're wrestling with fundamental questions? Do you call someone who just woke up from a coma after a bad accident and can't remember anything from his or her past obsessive if that person says not to be able to live without knowing who he or she is? Would people just tell him/her to forget about the past and start a life without such baggage?

Likewise, why do people tell me to just give up on finding the answers to what my body is, what and who I am, and just live a life without giving a second thought to those things? Isn't something majorly screwed up with that kind of reasoning? Would you tell someone to just pretend he or she actually has a kind of anonymous body which exists and yet doesn't exist?

I feel that it's completely ridiculous that I'm being treated the way I am. I deserve answers to those fundamental questions about myself. There are actual laws against the kind of cruel treatment I'm suffering from even now. It could never be the intention that someone who is in so much mental agony due to frustration would be left to his or her own devices until that person eventually decides to do something stupid and harmful to him/herself and/or others out of pure desperation? Because that's what I'm right up against at this point... pure, undiluted desperation. I don't know where to go, what to do, what to hope for, why to keep living, why to accept things, or why not, or... just everything. I want to yell out at the top of my lungs about how miserable I am, yet I know that doing so would just result in me getting smacked down by people who think I'm trying to attract attention, and ignored by others.

I want to give up... and yet I know I can't... suicide is the only thing at this point I can decide about by myself, whether I live or die the only thing I can control. Yet I don't want to die. I've always considered suicide to be something for the weak, something for those who'd rather give up than keep fighting. Even now I'm working on AI and robotics research which eventually should lead to an existence which is at least on the level of a human. I'd transfer my awareness and memories to such an entity and in essence become immortal. This is my life's first ambition, followed by learning everything there is to know. These goals aren't something I'll just throw away.

The only choice I'm thus left with is to use my rational side to essentially disable my emotional side, to accept that I'll never experience or be capable of love, friendship, relations, sexuality. I'll never have a self-image, never able to say anything about my body. To give into such things will destroy me and thus I'll have to actively avoid encounters with these dangers.

What is left for me to do? There is the upcoming appointment with a gynaecologist, I can go to a lawyer to discuss legal options. Realistically I don't think that I can keep suppressing my emotional side as the event last night showed and that unless something fundamentally changes I'll be destroyed one way or the other. In many ways I'm now back at where I was four years ago, when I had suppressed my emotional side to a point where it didn't affect my observations or daily life any more. It's just that my emotional side has had four years to grow, and before I had 21 years the time to suppress my emotions, without it ever giving a chance to develop. Not that that was a very desirable situation.

Something needs to be done.


Monday, 20 October 2008


Praised be the caring forces in this country who pick up and ensure the health and safety of the poor masses screaming out in pain and frustration. Never do they let harm come to anyone through their own inaction or ignorance. It's truly heart-warming to see the care displayed by all the brave men and women in this country who give so much of themselves to ensure no harm comes to others.

During my appointment with the psychologist last Tuesday we went through all the things he had written down during our previous conversation and corrected a few minor things. He then informed me that I'd have to undergo a psychiatric test first thing after I got my psychiatrist. Unfortunately a psychiatrist wouldn't be available until early next year, but he'd email one to see whether she might have a spot before that. on Thursday I got a letter informing me that I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist on December 2nd.

On Sunday I quit with the anti-depressants. This was completely my own decision. It felt as though these pills were messing with my head, making me unable to think clearly and in addition to that making me feel more and more suicidal. A temporary increase in suicidal tendencies is normal with these pills, but I've been on them for over one and a half month now and such tendencies are getting only worse. Now that I've been off the pills for two days I feel a lot clearer inside my head already and I seem to care a lot more about others instead of just my own issues.

When I was still on the pills, a few days ago I came up with the idea of saving up the anti-depressant pills which my housemate was giving to me one a day and to take them all next week Wednesday or so if I still hadn't heard from doctor Linthorst by then. I sent him an email on Thursday morning and haven't heard from him yet in three days. Next Thursday it'll be two weeks since he promised to arrange an appointment with a gynaecologist. He'd also call the psychologist, but hadn't done that either.

Taking all those anti-depressants in one go after having been fully detoxed (13 pills of 20 mg each) would most likely have caused epileptic seizures and possibly coma. I'd have needed a hospital visit. To me this'd serve as a warning to everyone concerned that my case isn't to be taken lightly. Today, however, I decided that I couldn't do such a thing to Pieter. I've abused and used him often enough already to the point that I think he must be pretty sick of all my whining already.

In the end, however, I'm still stuck with those two questions: what am I? Who am I? Tests so far seem to indicate that I'm human, but are further inconclusive on what I am further. During my last conversation with Linthorst he basically was saying already that I might have to learn to live without the answers on those questions. I'd never learn why my body is formed like this, why my reproductive organs don't seem to function or be formed normally, why I'm forced to live as a man while my environment treats me as a girl, and so on.

The question then is: can I live with that? Can I live without identity, without self-image? People keep telling me that knowing who I am deep inside should be enough and that I should ignore everything else, but when I search inside even there I only find confusion, not to mention pain. Finding joy in life is hard when every second that one is awake one is tormented by pain, be it physically or mentally.

The past weeks I've tried to be more social, even to start dating and work on relationships, but I've found that to me it's all torture... one giant nightmare. Especially the thought of getting close to someone else on a physical level terrifies me, be it a girl or guy. Just thinking about it I can only feel pain. I haven't pleasured myself in months simply because just thinking about my reproductive organs, my breasts and well, basically my entire body disgusts me. Only safe way to regard is as a 'thing'; something which supports my brain but serves no purpose beyond that. Emotional stuff is also utter junk which serves absolutely no purpose. There's no point in relationships, be it close or just friendships. Most 'pleasures' in life really are just the emanations of sick, perverted minds. The only true pleasure is found in the innocence of a child as well as in the cold, hard logic of science and technology.

Yes, I realize that I'm withdrawing myself. Yes, I'm closing myself off to a lot of potentially wonderful things. Yet at this stage those things can only cause me to self-destruct, like a virus-infected body gradually succumbing to the relentless attacks to which it has no effective defense. There's nothing I can do at this point except withdraw behind the strong, fortified walls of my rational mind, leaving my emotional side to be slaughtered gruesomely on the battlefield.

I need to get my life on the rails for the first time in my life. I need to start earning money. I need to become independent, both emotionally as well as financially. Relying on others is a sickness which will infect and kill all those involved. I've learned this yet again in my reliance on the doctors and other specialists here. If I have to learn to live without identity, with a body I can only hate and curse for being malformed and abnormal instead of understand and rely on, then I have to become independent, quick. If I don't I simply won't survive.


Tuesday, 14 October 2008

A Tour Of My Work~

In a few hours from now I'll have my second appointment with a psychologist, but that's not what I want to talk about right now. Instead I would like to detail some of the more relevant projects and such I'm working on at the moment. While most details will probably only interest about 0.1% of those who read my blog, I'd nevertheless like to blabber on about things which really interest me. Yes, I'm a geek :D

First of all I just started work on the NT4-style USB stack for the ReactOS Open Source project ( ), a free Windows clone. After completing this I'll move on to creating an NT5-style (Win2k/XP) USB stack, followed by Firewire support as well. Thanks to generous donations to the ReactOS project this work even gets me a bit of money (few Euro/week, but still). If you'd like to donate to me, but see something back for it as well, you could donate to USB support in ReactOS instead ;) At this point the money I'd get from donations would be enough to work a paid 8-16 hours a month on ReactOS (6-12 Euro/hour). A few 10 Euro donations would allow me to work on this project a lot more :)

Related, I'm still working on ReactOS-Synthesis, which is the project to merge Windows with ReactOS files, thus expanding its functionality using Open Source components. Some of the things one could do this way is to add functionality to Windows which otherwise wouldn't be available. It'd also allow one to keep for example Windows XP up-to-date so that one doesn't have to buy Vista or the upcoming Windows 7 to get the latest features (and extra bloat...). Just in my work on the ReactOS USB stack I have already noticed that the Windows XP USB stack omits quite a few things in the USB specification (some were added later in service packs). It'd be nice to add such features oneself instead of having to wait for Microsoft to graciously add those features in an SP (after a year or so).

A side-project I'm researching is putting a VHDL/Verilog simulator together. Current simulators aren't that great, not to mention feature bloody expensive licenses (think tens of thousands of euros per license). An existing Open Source simulator (GHDL) is usable, but very limited. I'm looking into writing a simulator together with Pieter at this point. In his work he uses such tools a lot and thus knows exactly what he'd like to see in one :)

Trevor is at this moment putting the final touches on a level editor for our game engine, which'd finally allow us to easily construct our games. I've got a few game scripts ready already and am currently revising a draft of the first game we'll be working on. I'll soon add an entry for it on the site. This latter site will also see a complete refresh by next month, in time for the Beta testing of our first game and its release before the end of the year. Right now we're also working on expanding the company. In particular we're looking for graphical artists (for e.g. concept art) and 3D modeling people (3D Studio & Maya), audio people (music, sound effects) as well as Alpha/Beta testers (somewhat less urgent right now :) ).

I'm setting up an intranet right now to support this expansion featuring an SSH forwarding server and various servers including HTTP, FTP, SVN, SQL and others. I'm basing it on the approach used by Pieter's company, AimCom, as it seemed like a sensible approach when I saw him use it the past months.

In other news, I'm waiting for some money from a web development job to arrive this month and am about to start on a new one, featuring porting a Joomla patch to the latest version. I also was working on a website for a Malaysian company, but with no response to my latest emails I've decided to pause work on this project. For a Norwegian customer I'm working on a site, though, which'll be done this month.

I could still use more paid projects, though. There are some freelancing sites to advertise one's services, but if any of you know of some web- or software development work, don't hesitate to recommend my services ^_^

Alright, that's enough for now... it's noon and I haven't even had breakfast yet unless you count that piece of chocolate I had earlier. Need some real food now :P


Sunday, 12 October 2008

All Or Nothing~

You know, the ironic part about being suicidal is that it's a reinforcing cycle; as you find yourself thinking more and more often about committing suicide, the sane part of your mind gets so fed up with this negativity and pain that it's about ready to put a bullet through the offending part of the brain, which feeds the general sense of negativity, which makes one think more often about suicide, ad nauseam.

The worst part may be that I'm having real trouble getting some proper sleep now. The past two nights I stayed awake for a long time just thinking dark thoughts and waking up feeling like absolute cr*p. The constant headache I already had for weeks is gradually getting worse and only by firmly suppressing my emotions can I still function. Even my emotional side is sick and tired of having to feel things. To say it's in turmoil is the understatement of the century.

So where's the way out, the point of light towards which I should be moving? I have no idea. The zillionth speck of hope has appeared with my latest appointment with doctor Linthorst at the AMC last Wednesday. Pieter had come along with me as I was looking up against traveling to the AMC by myself again. I was really glad he came along, as during the talk with Linthorst it was clear that he had the wrong idea about what I wanted. He started by drawing two parallel lines on a piece of paper, 'A' and 'B', saying that I was at A right now and wanted to go to B where I'd be a regular girl. At this point I already interrupted him by saying that this was not the case, that at this point I'm basically already at point B (which he admitted to by saying that I'm registered as a woman at the AMC hospital) while my problem is that I have no idea what point A is for me. After Pieter said this as well in his own words Linthorst finally seemed to get it.

This seems to be main reason why I got so little help the past years from specialists, all because they didn't understand what I wanted; they all seemed to assume that I just wanted to go from A to B while I was talking about wanting to learn more about this point A (what I am physically) after which I might adjust point B a bit for myself. My issue has thus never been recognized , leaving me stranded in my current position. I think this theory of miss-communication definitely explains a lot.

Anyway, Linthorst proceeded by admitting that there are few methods for finding out the answers to my questions regarding point A. No surgeon would just cut me open to see what I've really got down there, getting a full DNA test of multiple tissues seems to be impossible to get as well. What he could offer was to have a gynaecologist have a look at me. Next week he'll let me know when I have an appointment with this gynaecologist. If something unusual is found during this appointment, it could mean that more possibilities will open up for me.

I so hope that I'll have the answers I need before the end of this year. Not just because it'd be nice to put an end to those four years of suffering and misery, but also because emotionally I've reached my limits already a while ago and am just holding on by the tiniest of strings. If I say that I might be dead before the end of the year it's not because I'm actively planning to commit suicide, but because this string might snap and I'd just resort to taking a knife to myself, while having enough knowledge of human anatomy to ensure I won't easily botch it.

Frankly, I'm terrified of these thoughts. I want to get rid of the pain I feel inside, I want to let go of the traumas, of the chaos and negativity, but it seems wherever I turn it keeps haunting me. Only place where I'm still somewhat safe is inside my work, safely inside the cold, rational world of computers and software. Emotions have no place there.

Just the way it should be.


Thursday, 2 October 2008


I've been reading back some old log entries and been thinking a lot about past events. It frightens me to see how much I have changed. Sure, rationally I'm still the same person, but on an emotional level I've turned into this bitter, sarcastic bitch who is disappointed with everything and is more paranoid than that guy down the street who keeps announcing the end of the world and claims that CIA agents are spying on him. At this point I can get up out of bed feeling happy and energetic, I'll read a few news posts, read some forums and chat with some people, and within 1-2 hours I'll feel sick and depressed. The only topics which are now 'safe' for me involve matters only addressing my rational side and do not touch upon anything my emotional side might spaz out about. Things like relations, sex, gender, suicide, death, friendship, finances, adulthood, crime, many medical topics, and much, much more are all black-listed. Every time I come across one of them, it's as though I get a small electrical shock which drains off some energy and leaves behind a dark void.

I'd describe my situation as-is pretty much hopeless. According to that clinic in Germany they've looked with a team at the MRI images and now they say that they aren't really sure what they're seeing on it. At receiving this news last week my world crumbled a bit more and I collapsed emotionally (hysteria), taking me about an hour to recover. On Monday I went for an intake appointment for a psychiatrist, but I learned that it'll take about 3-4 weeks before I first get to talk to one. On Tuesday and today I suffered another attack of hysteria, involving me crying, laughing madly for tens of minutes, talking nonsense, yelling, spasms and more. I do not have conscious control over my body at this point. It reminds me of last year when I found myself lying on the floor, unable to move a muscle in a similar situation.

I was supposed to meet up with a number of girls the past weeks. Like vanishing girl, they've all either vanished, came up with an excuse, or just left me standing at the trainstation where they said they'd pick me up. I'm more sick than ever with meeting people and want to just shut down any and all emotions pertaining to this. At this point I don't need other people anyway other than to support my wussy, crumbling and/or dying emotional side. I doubt it'll ever grow beyond the emotional capacity of a 10-year old anyway.

At this moment I need a few things. First is answers to the fundamental questions about my body. It's most definitely not a male body, that much is sure. It seems to be largely female in terms of build (just not the sexual organs), has XY blood, unknown other tissues, can get female orgasms but not male ones... It's a huge mess and I seem to be fully dependent on the doctors here to answer those questions about what my body is exactly. I was supposed to have another appointment with Linthorst of the AMC, but he hasn't notified me yet with the date and time for the appointment next week. I hope he doesn't forget about me like that German hospital did.

To get one thing perfectly clear: I wouldn't give a damn if I were to get a trans-gender surgery which'd turn me into a 'normal' female first thing tomorrow. I'd be just as unhappy as I'm now because I'm looking for answers, not to see some kind of hazy ideal fulfilled. This is another reason why I'm not going to play a transsexual, as it wouldn't do me any darn good.

Another thing I really need right now is money... basically if I don't earn money this month, I might as well quit the company (Nyanko) and apply for social security, living out my days as a leech on society. It's not like I can work anywhere but in my own company (I've worked for others in the past, it wasn't pretty). So I have to somehow motivate myself. Tough one. Perhaps I'll just turn off all IM applications, stop visiting any and all non-tech forums, and stop answering my phone. Then I can finally work in peace. At least I already quit all social networking sites (Hyves and Netlog can add themselves to the likes of Myspace, Facebook and other lice-ridden, pest-infested sources of retardation).

'Is she going to commit suicide?' is the question I think many want to see answered by now (got to win back that 10 bucks you bet, right?). Unfortunately I can not, and will always refuse to commit suicide. Rationally, that is. Even though I'm constantly in a lot of pain, unbearingly so at times, the only way I'll harm myself is through an impulsive action from my emotional side. This is exactly why those hysteria attacks frighten me so much (and Pieter, who has witnessed a few of them). It's like I'm right on the edge at this point during those attacks and that I just need to move this little bit further where my rational side will just black out and I can do anything from taking a knife to myself to swalling harmful chemicals or other fun activities. So far it's remained limited to me just tearing out some chunks of flesh from my legs, but there's no telling what more could happen.

Right, now people are going to pat me on the head and back again and tell me to just hang on for a little bit longer. Hang on for what? Am I going to get my answers? What makes you think I ever will? It's been nearly 4 years already and at this point it seems as though I might as well have killed myself when I was 5 to save myself and others the trouble. I have lived for 25 years now without identity, without knowing what and who I am. In any serious attempt at a relationship how can I make this clear to my partner? So far some girls have already indicated that they still want to think about dating me a bit longer because of my body, because it's so... different.

In the end all my troubles are due to my body. Being highly gifted is bad enough already, but having a weird, messed up Frankenstein-ish body really makes it impossible to have a life, that much has been made clear to me by now. Actually only my brain is something I can learn to like, unlike my body, which I'd gladly trade in for a regular one. And the worst part? That people keep telling me that I have a regular body. A male one, that is. I'd gladly kick their heads off their miserable necks.


Tuesday, 23 September 2008


Last week's setbacks have pretty much completely squashed any hope that I'll ever find out who and what I really am. On top of that I have found out how many people dislike, do not understand, or even outright hate me for not just accepting myself for what they think I am. It makes me not want to ask for help anymore, from regular people and medical people alike. I'll just get hurt anyway. Same thing with relationships.

All the 'advice' I got from my last topic on the forum mostly included things like just accepting myself as probably being transsexual, just subjecting myself to the whims of the 'specialists' here, as well as other stupid things with no relevance or regard to my situation.

To give myself at least something to focus on I've decided that unless I receive some kind of positive news this week, I'll start researching options for suicide next week and execute it as soon as possible after that. I just can't find any joy in life any more, especially the past weeks everything has just turned grey and all I do and hear and see and feel hurts.

Unless something positive happens, this'll be my last post here. I don't give a damn whether people think I'm just looking for attention this way or so. F*** them. This is about myself, my pain and the only thing I can seemingly do about it. Life never meant anything to me anyway. So go on with your lives and forget about my whining and begging, just be glad I'm finally shutting up.


Sunday, 21 September 2008


As I'm typing this it's 4.30 AM and I'm wide awake. I've slept exactly 4 hours. For the past weeks now the time I've slept during the night has been reduced from 7-8 to 5-6 hours and last night I've apparently hit a new score since Wednesday night, when I got in about 2-3 hours. The skin underneath my eyes is definitely gathering an interesting number of changes.

I might have a cold or so as well... I still got excess slime in my throat, started coughing a lot since a few days ago and I feel very tired during the day. My insomnia is probably linked mostly to stress and the anti-depressants. At any rate the lack of sleep isn't helping my general state of mind.

By now I'm absolutely sick and tired of meeting other people. The general pattern always seems to be that they find me interesting and nice, and when I try to get a bit closer, especially with girls I'd like to meet some time, they suddenly start ignoring me, or even vanish completely. I feel more and more tempted to just revert to email-only communication and shut down all my profiles on community sites.

As a break from my usual whining and threatening with suicide, here's a conversation a friend from held with a US friend who studies for his Dr. in biology after showing a single MRI image of me (K is the IRC friend):
K: what do you think?
G: That does look like a cervical wall. ask a physiologist?
K: I'm not a doctor, but how obvious are both gender types on that xray?
G: It's distinct.
G: They're supposed to take a tissue sample and karyotype in those instances.
G: In the US, anyway.
G: But, it looks like XXY hermaphroditism from the x-ray.
G: I'd want an MRI to confirm.
K: Why?
G: karyotype.
G: that's what I'd do.
G: you take a cell sample...blow it up...see what she is genetically.
K: she has XY chromosomes.
K: so, from what I know, that would make her a genetic male. but, being able to get a female orgasm would make that quite odd.
G: That's why I suggested XXY. What happens is...if during meiosis the sperm doesn't disjoin properly...the X can carry a small piece of Y.
G: That small piece of Y is enough to cause the production of enough testosterone to signal for the zygote to start making portions of male sex organs.
G: See...all fetuses are female, until the Y chromosome says, "make testes!"

So far all students who have looked at my MRI images have expressed similar conclusions. I sent one of them (a Dutch radiology student) the complete set of images. It'll be interesting to hear what he thinks and possibly his fellow students and/or teachers.

Today I'll be composing an email to the Eppendorf hospital in Hamburg, Germany, as they've got a good department for intersexuality and they can hopefully help me with this matter. I might also inquire at the Radboud hospital here in Nijmegen. Supposedly a person who was also hermaphrodite was treated there a few years ago.

This is definitely a case of swimming or drowning... I feel often tempted to just stay in bed and not do anything anymore, just letting everything go to hell (for so far it hasn't yet), but that'd mean the end for sure. If I get some useful things back from the things running right now and these new things I'm starting, perhaps there won't be a need for me to actually kill myself. I've already started hitting myself on the chest and tummy with my fists again, so that's not a good sign...


Saturday, 20 September 2008


I can be short about summarizing the past week: Tuesday phone call from Dr Schipper of the Erasmus MC, informing me that on none of the scans anything unusual could be seen. Wednesday the VUMC reported back with the same conclusion. I'm now stuck with four reports from four radiologists, providing me with two completely opposed conclusions.

On Thursday I went to my appointment with Dr Linthorst of the AMC in Amsterdam. He is prepared to help me, but can't offer me much yet. He'll ensure together with my GP that I'll get a psychiatrist as soon as possible, and he'll contact the VUMC since they're still the prime center in this country for the kind of tests and surgery I require. Linthorst at least seems to understand that in the end this is a purely physical question ('what am I?', 'what can I do with it?').

Meanwhile on an emotional level things have really spiraled out of control since the successive batches of bad news. The night of Wednesday on Thursday I got only about 2-3 hours of sleep total, the rest of the time I spent staring blankly at the ceiling and thinking about ending the pain and feeling miserable in general. This feeling has persisted ever since. This morning too I woke up at around 5 AM feeling like killing myself right there and then.

Yesterday I saw my GP for the last time. She's moving to another job. Hopefully her replacement will be at least as considerate. I got new anti-depressants today, the full dose (20 mg instead of 10). I've also got an appointment with my new GP in a week.

I've got nothing planned yet this weekend other than the regular grocery shopping and such. Next week Dr Linthorst as well as Dr Siebel (Germany) will get back to me with their findings. I hope I get positive news next week, because things definitely can't go on like this. Having no certainty about anything, having seen my work of the past 3.5 year basically vaporize in front of my eyes... it's enough to crush anyone's spirit.

The ironic thing in this all, however, is that all students (2nd-year up to PhD) who have seen my MRI image(s) indicate that there is something unusual visible on them and they'd definitely do more research if they were a doctor. I don't want to appear paranoid, but I'm having great difficulty trusting the hospitals here with their conclusions among all this evidence.

I really wish there was a clear course of action now and most definitely some kind of light at the end of this dark and nightmarish tunnel...


Tuesday, 16 September 2008


I just got a call from doctor Schipper of the Erasmus MC. He told me that he didn't know anything about the MRI scan I had last week Thursday even though it was requested using his name. He also told me that he did have the reports from the proper images from Germany as well as from this last MRI scan. According to him on both of them nothing unusual is visible and thus I can not be intersexual.

Placed against the two MRI reports from Germany which state the opposite as well as my own experiences, these conclusions from the Erasmus MC seem ridiculous, but I don't know what I can do against it at this point. They don't want to help me anymore and now I fear that the VUMC will come with the same conclusions as the Erasmus, which'd mean no recognition, no surgery, no compensation for the past years of agony and above all no end to this everlasting nightmare.

What's going on? Why can't things work out for once? I don't know... I do fear, however, that even with the anti-depressants I'm taking now it's going to be incredibly though to merely keep existing the coming weeks or months...

One possible option I've left open is to go to a German hospital, but for that I'd need a lot of money. At points like this I'm just not sure why I'm going through this anymore. Am I really crazy? Am I really wrong? Did they lie to me in Germany? What did I see on my own MRI images? Again, am I crazy?

I don't know anymore...


Sunday, 14 September 2008


Well, vanishing girl is gone again. This time she claimed to have been in a car accident and had to go to the GP yesterday because she couldn't sleep from the pain, to vanish without a trail again. At this point I feel it's hard to trust anything 'she' says, so I'm taking my distance and will discuss the matter first chance I get. I shall not write anything more about it lest it turns out that I was just paranoid.

So yesterday I spent all alone. It's incredible how much I've come to rely on Pieter these past months, yet his absence also makes me realize how lonely I am without him. Aside from him there is virtually no one, especially not of my own age, who I can call a friend nearby. No one I can just hop over to and watch a movie, play a videogame or just chat with. I feel so out of touch with the world at these moments.

This morning I woke up feeling.... detached. I've gone to bed with, and woken up with during the night, thoughts mostly about vanishing girl, the things I'd say to her and such. Somewhere in there after deciding to take my distance I also decided to take my distance from my body, to ignore it and all emotions. At this moment my rational side is fully in control and it feels wonderful. I can do anything, nothing bothers me, and I don't need others. Why did I ever decide to let my emotional side develop? It's utterly useless anyway. Suppressing, destroying it is what the proper strategy is.

While I expect that my emotional side will attempt to make a flashy come-back again by crashing in through the roof, I'll do my best to keep it suppressed at least today, leaving me free to do some actual work.


Saturday, 13 September 2008

More Waiting... A Surprise~

Well, I got the MRI yesterday. When I asked the lady assisting me for some details regarding the scan, she showed me the request form. On it I saw that the MRI had been requested by Dr Schipper, the same person I had given the right MRI images to, months ago. I arranged an appointment to have him call me next Tuesday. Hopefully I'll learn a bit more then.

The past days since I started with the anti-depressant have been... interesting. I'm still heavily depressed, but my whole mood has been 'equalized', as though the entire 'signal' has been compressed into a narrow range. I'm not sure whether I like this change, as it seems to have made it harder for me to resist suicidal urges as well. Hopefully things'll improve next week...

So yeah, now I'm waiting for the VUMC (they spent 3 weeks so far on the MRI analysis) and the Erasmus MC to get back to me. The appointment I have at the AMC on the 18th will probably have to be postponed again at this rate. Fun~

More fun is that the vanishing girl has just popped up again on MSN. I'll speak with her now and then go to bed. See you all :)


Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Let's Try This...

Well, my birthday was rather uneventful, I spent it with Pieter watching movies and eating apple pie (which was kind of fun in itself... Pieter still is one of my bestest friends and a great guy to hang out with in general :) ). The vanishing girl didn't show up and to this day I haven't heard from her. Either something bad happened again, or something more sinister is going on. It's at times like this when I wish that something like a more regular relationship would open up to me, instead of these things which just makes me feel more miserable about myself, as though something is wrong with me which makes it impossible for me to make friends or have relationships.

Also on my Thursday I got a sudden call from a national (public) TV broadcaster, the AVRO. They had received my story (like a month or two ago) and the woman on the phone wanted to ask me a few questions. While she didn't deem my case suitable for the particular show she was calling for, she'd nevertheless make my data available to other shows (current and future). Who knows, I may hear something from it again within the next 5 years.

On Wednesday (sudden flashback) I went to my GP (physician) because I still felt miserable and had suffered from severe stomach cramps on Tuesday night. She deemed that tests wouldn't be needed as the most likely cause for my physical discomfort was stress possibly combined with flu. I had to quit with the painkillers, though, especially the ones I had borrowed from Pieter. So I did.

On Thursday I felt miserable and depressed, on Friday I felt fine, even happy, on Saturday miserable again and Sunday fine. On Monday I simply felt like like curling up and dying, at which point Pieter made an appointment for me with my GP that same day. The result of that appointment is that at my own request I'm now taking anti-depressants (Citalopram 10 mg) and will be talking with a psychiatrist. I'm not sure about the latter yet, but after two days of taking this anti-depressant I feel that my mood has more or less stabilized.

I still feel irked, irritated, jealous and frustrated at hearing people discussing their relations, sex life and showing off their much prettier bodies (in my eyes), but I don't really get depressed at it. Or rather I'm depressed still, but instead of dropping down the dark, bottomless pit I instead keep dangling kind of on the edge, at the point where I really couldn't care less about anything. This has been my general mood for most of today now.

Anyway, next Thursday is the MRI scan at the Erasmus MC in Rotterdam. I'll see what I'll be doing tomorrow, probably helping Pieter with some odd jobs around the house and working on some of my projects. I hope to learn more about the exact reason behind the MRI scan on Thursday, as well as when the results will be known. If it's just a confirmation after they've looked at the German MRI images it'd be the most interesting of course.

Aside from the Erasmus MC there's the VUMC who don't seem to be in any particular hurry to analyse the MRI images. This is the 3rd week now and after Ms Janssen of the complaint commission supposedly called the radiologist on Friday no news has come forward. If I wasn't doped up on anti-depressants I'd probably feel really annoyed at this :)

Pieter also called the hospital in Hilversum regarding my surgery. As it turns out there are a few places in the Netherlands which do the kind of surgery I need, and we'll look at it a bit more closely after I get my condition recognized.

So yeah, time for bed now. 11 PM is late enough for me :P


Monday, 1 September 2008

Exciting Uncertainty...

First day of September and the countdown to my birthday starts. September 4th for those who forgot. I expect piles of presents on this day, or else I'll shut down this blog... er, wait. I meant I won't shut it down :D

So Friday I got another letter from the Erasmus MC. Cancellation of the MRI scan appointment? Nope, just the same letter as the first one minus the attachments. I still have no idea what's going on there, but I'll see on September 11th, I guess. Pieter will probably go together with me on that day.

Saturday I went to visit friend R in Zevenaar, in the southern part of the country. It was quite a fun day, with a trip to Germany in there as well (for grocery shopping :P ), as well a lot of talking (and crying, for me). I got home around 12.30 AM, nearly fell asleep in the train and awoke feeling like I had been ran over by a truck. Twice.

Yesterday I also got the best news in a while: the girl I told about before who had suddenly vanished is back :) As it turned out she got food poisoning on Monday and thus wasn't able to come here. She spent two days in hospital, suffering tests and from dehydration. At the moment she's still recovering, but she hopes to be there for my birthday :)

It's interesting, though... although I have only really talked to her for about two days before she vanished, I haven't thought about anyone so much in a single week, or been worried about a single person to such an extent. In the email she sent me, she told me she was worried that I might be angry at her, or hurt. Now I must admit that I did feel somewhat hurt when she didn't show up on Monday, worry and confusion were the prime feelings during that time.

I didn't believe she might have just left me because she got afraid or so. It all didn't fit. Truth to be told I'm glad it was something like this and not something with more lasting consequences. Seeing how restless I got with her just missing, I don't want to think about how I'd have felt if I had never heard from her again, or heard on the news that she had died or so... I have experienced once before already what it's like to care about someone but to be completely incapable of conveying those feelings (with the other side having the same issues), and that was (is) bad enough. So yes, I'm relieved :)

Well, I'm still paranoid, I guess... since I still haven't met her in real life and hardly know anything about her. There are still hundreds of warning bells and lights fighting for my attention at every point. Naturally, I'm not the type who easily commits herself to a relationship. I'm not like my brothers who have gone through a dozen girlfriends each by now, at which I just shake my head in disbelief.

The perfect person for me is someone who complements me, with whom I can talk about anything and everything which interests me as well as the other way, and where we can both contribute ideas and solutions to each other's issues. Any other kind of relationship is in my eyes a crime. To see people in a relationship where they both work in very different jobs, have different interests and only have a passing interest in each other, where 'being together' is more of a requirement to exist than to be happy. It's the closest equivalent to Hell I can think of in a relationship.

Anyway, moving on :) I've just managed to get Visual Studio 2005 up and running again so that I can finally resume the work on my AI. There's only a few months left in this year to finish the IO, memory and other subsystems and I want to fulfill my promise to make an AI equivalent to or better than a 12-year old girl. A gifted girl, of course, since I'm using the algorithms of my own brain.

Another challenge is the body of this gynoid (robot with a human female look). I have got a number of artificial muscle designs lying around which I'd like to build and test, but I lack the (financial) resources to do so. I have already rejected the use of servos and other common actuators since they're too clumsy, slow or complex. I really need my own laboratory, I guess...


Friday, 29 August 2008


I'll keep this one brief as it's 10.45 PM right now and my train departs tomorrow at 7.38 AM. I'll be visiting friend R. Originally I was also going to visit another friend who lives nearby as well, but she suddenly had to go somewhere. I noticed yet again that such a cancellation has a profound negative effect on my mood.

So yeah... I went to the KNO doctor yesterday, he didn't see any symptoms of a sinus infection, so he scheduled me for an X-ray next Tuesday. I was supposed to see him again on September 11th, yet then something unexpected happened.

Yesterday I received a letter from the Erasmus MC. With both Pieter and I expecting it to be little more than just a left-over from the mess with the MRI analysis there, I opened it and saw in the subject line 'MRI', reading it again, my brain registered the word 'appointment' and after reading it and the letter a few more times, I realized that it was for an appointment for an MRI scan on September 11th at the Erasmus MC. To say that we felt surprised would be a serious understatement.

So finally, the KNO doctor didn't want to prescribe me anything to help with the serious headaches I'm suffering from, leaving me only with the painkillers from Pieter, which aren't really meant against headache, but do help against inflammation. The appointment with the KNO doctor is on the 18th now.

Pieter was also going to call a surgeon in Hilversum today, but forgot about it in the heat of battle (troubleshooting). Ah well. I really need to go to bed now. Tomorrow I've got about an hour to prepare everything, from breakfast, to putting some music on the MP3 player, brushing teeth and putting on makeup and... well, I'll be back late on Saturday so don't expect an update until Sunday.

Also, it's now less than a week to my birthday...