Tuesday, 23 September 2008


Last week's setbacks have pretty much completely squashed any hope that I'll ever find out who and what I really am. On top of that I have found out how many people dislike, do not understand, or even outright hate me for not just accepting myself for what they think I am. It makes me not want to ask for help anymore, from regular people and medical people alike. I'll just get hurt anyway. Same thing with relationships.

All the 'advice' I got from my last topic on the Tweakers.net forum mostly included things like just accepting myself as probably being transsexual, just subjecting myself to the whims of the 'specialists' here, as well as other stupid things with no relevance or regard to my situation.

To give myself at least something to focus on I've decided that unless I receive some kind of positive news this week, I'll start researching options for suicide next week and execute it as soon as possible after that. I just can't find any joy in life any more, especially the past weeks everything has just turned grey and all I do and hear and see and feel hurts.

Unless something positive happens, this'll be my last post here. I don't give a damn whether people think I'm just looking for attention this way or so. F*** them. This is about myself, my pain and the only thing I can seemingly do about it. Life never meant anything to me anyway. So go on with your lives and forget about my whining and begging, just be glad I'm finally shutting up.


Sunday, 21 September 2008


As I'm typing this it's 4.30 AM and I'm wide awake. I've slept exactly 4 hours. For the past weeks now the time I've slept during the night has been reduced from 7-8 to 5-6 hours and last night I've apparently hit a new score since Wednesday night, when I got in about 2-3 hours. The skin underneath my eyes is definitely gathering an interesting number of changes.

I might have a cold or so as well... I still got excess slime in my throat, started coughing a lot since a few days ago and I feel very tired during the day. My insomnia is probably linked mostly to stress and the anti-depressants. At any rate the lack of sleep isn't helping my general state of mind.

By now I'm absolutely sick and tired of meeting other people. The general pattern always seems to be that they find me interesting and nice, and when I try to get a bit closer, especially with girls I'd like to meet some time, they suddenly start ignoring me, or even vanish completely. I feel more and more tempted to just revert to email-only communication and shut down all my profiles on community sites.

As a break from my usual whining and threatening with suicide, here's a conversation a friend from Tweakers.net held with a US friend who studies for his Dr. in biology after showing a single MRI image of me (K is the IRC friend):
K: what do you think?
G: That does look like a cervical wall. ask a physiologist?
K: I'm not a doctor, but how obvious are both gender types on that xray?
G: It's distinct.
G: They're supposed to take a tissue sample and karyotype in those instances.
G: In the US, anyway.
G: But, it looks like XXY hermaphroditism from the x-ray.
G: I'd want an MRI to confirm.
K: Why?
G: karyotype.
G: that's what I'd do.
G: you take a cell sample...blow it up...see what she is genetically.
K: she has XY chromosomes.
K: so, from what I know, that would make her a genetic male. but, being able to get a female orgasm would make that quite odd.
G: That's why I suggested XXY. What happens is...if during meiosis the sperm doesn't disjoin properly...the X can carry a small piece of Y.
G: That small piece of Y is enough to cause the production of enough testosterone to signal for the zygote to start making portions of male sex organs.
G: See...all fetuses are female, until the Y chromosome says, "make testes!"

So far all students who have looked at my MRI images have expressed similar conclusions. I sent one of them (a Dutch radiology student) the complete set of images. It'll be interesting to hear what he thinks and possibly his fellow students and/or teachers.

Today I'll be composing an email to the Eppendorf hospital in Hamburg, Germany, as they've got a good department for intersexuality and they can hopefully help me with this matter. I might also inquire at the Radboud hospital here in Nijmegen. Supposedly a person who was also hermaphrodite was treated there a few years ago.

This is definitely a case of swimming or drowning... I feel often tempted to just stay in bed and not do anything anymore, just letting everything go to hell (for so far it hasn't yet), but that'd mean the end for sure. If I get some useful things back from the things running right now and these new things I'm starting, perhaps there won't be a need for me to actually kill myself. I've already started hitting myself on the chest and tummy with my fists again, so that's not a good sign...


Saturday, 20 September 2008


I can be short about summarizing the past week: Tuesday phone call from Dr Schipper of the Erasmus MC, informing me that on none of the scans anything unusual could be seen. Wednesday the VUMC reported back with the same conclusion. I'm now stuck with four reports from four radiologists, providing me with two completely opposed conclusions.

On Thursday I went to my appointment with Dr Linthorst of the AMC in Amsterdam. He is prepared to help me, but can't offer me much yet. He'll ensure together with my GP that I'll get a psychiatrist as soon as possible, and he'll contact the VUMC since they're still the prime center in this country for the kind of tests and surgery I require. Linthorst at least seems to understand that in the end this is a purely physical question ('what am I?', 'what can I do with it?').

Meanwhile on an emotional level things have really spiraled out of control since the successive batches of bad news. The night of Wednesday on Thursday I got only about 2-3 hours of sleep total, the rest of the time I spent staring blankly at the ceiling and thinking about ending the pain and feeling miserable in general. This feeling has persisted ever since. This morning too I woke up at around 5 AM feeling like killing myself right there and then.

Yesterday I saw my GP for the last time. She's moving to another job. Hopefully her replacement will be at least as considerate. I got new anti-depressants today, the full dose (20 mg instead of 10). I've also got an appointment with my new GP in a week.

I've got nothing planned yet this weekend other than the regular grocery shopping and such. Next week Dr Linthorst as well as Dr Siebel (Germany) will get back to me with their findings. I hope I get positive news next week, because things definitely can't go on like this. Having no certainty about anything, having seen my work of the past 3.5 year basically vaporize in front of my eyes... it's enough to crush anyone's spirit.

The ironic thing in this all, however, is that all students (2nd-year up to PhD) who have seen my MRI image(s) indicate that there is something unusual visible on them and they'd definitely do more research if they were a doctor. I don't want to appear paranoid, but I'm having great difficulty trusting the hospitals here with their conclusions among all this evidence.

I really wish there was a clear course of action now and most definitely some kind of light at the end of this dark and nightmarish tunnel...


Tuesday, 16 September 2008


I just got a call from doctor Schipper of the Erasmus MC. He told me that he didn't know anything about the MRI scan I had last week Thursday even though it was requested using his name. He also told me that he did have the reports from the proper images from Germany as well as from this last MRI scan. According to him on both of them nothing unusual is visible and thus I can not be intersexual.

Placed against the two MRI reports from Germany which state the opposite as well as my own experiences, these conclusions from the Erasmus MC seem ridiculous, but I don't know what I can do against it at this point. They don't want to help me anymore and now I fear that the VUMC will come with the same conclusions as the Erasmus, which'd mean no recognition, no surgery, no compensation for the past years of agony and above all no end to this everlasting nightmare.

What's going on? Why can't things work out for once? I don't know... I do fear, however, that even with the anti-depressants I'm taking now it's going to be incredibly though to merely keep existing the coming weeks or months...

One possible option I've left open is to go to a German hospital, but for that I'd need a lot of money. At points like this I'm just not sure why I'm going through this anymore. Am I really crazy? Am I really wrong? Did they lie to me in Germany? What did I see on my own MRI images? Again, am I crazy?

I don't know anymore...


Sunday, 14 September 2008


Well, vanishing girl is gone again. This time she claimed to have been in a car accident and had to go to the GP yesterday because she couldn't sleep from the pain, to vanish without a trail again. At this point I feel it's hard to trust anything 'she' says, so I'm taking my distance and will discuss the matter first chance I get. I shall not write anything more about it lest it turns out that I was just paranoid.

So yesterday I spent all alone. It's incredible how much I've come to rely on Pieter these past months, yet his absence also makes me realize how lonely I am without him. Aside from him there is virtually no one, especially not of my own age, who I can call a friend nearby. No one I can just hop over to and watch a movie, play a videogame or just chat with. I feel so out of touch with the world at these moments.

This morning I woke up feeling.... detached. I've gone to bed with, and woken up with during the night, thoughts mostly about vanishing girl, the things I'd say to her and such. Somewhere in there after deciding to take my distance I also decided to take my distance from my body, to ignore it and all emotions. At this moment my rational side is fully in control and it feels wonderful. I can do anything, nothing bothers me, and I don't need others. Why did I ever decide to let my emotional side develop? It's utterly useless anyway. Suppressing, destroying it is what the proper strategy is.

While I expect that my emotional side will attempt to make a flashy come-back again by crashing in through the roof, I'll do my best to keep it suppressed at least today, leaving me free to do some actual work.


Saturday, 13 September 2008

More Waiting... A Surprise~

Well, I got the MRI yesterday. When I asked the lady assisting me for some details regarding the scan, she showed me the request form. On it I saw that the MRI had been requested by Dr Schipper, the same person I had given the right MRI images to, months ago. I arranged an appointment to have him call me next Tuesday. Hopefully I'll learn a bit more then.

The past days since I started with the anti-depressant have been... interesting. I'm still heavily depressed, but my whole mood has been 'equalized', as though the entire 'signal' has been compressed into a narrow range. I'm not sure whether I like this change, as it seems to have made it harder for me to resist suicidal urges as well. Hopefully things'll improve next week...

So yeah, now I'm waiting for the VUMC (they spent 3 weeks so far on the MRI analysis) and the Erasmus MC to get back to me. The appointment I have at the AMC on the 18th will probably have to be postponed again at this rate. Fun~

More fun is that the vanishing girl has just popped up again on MSN. I'll speak with her now and then go to bed. See you all :)


Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Let's Try This...

Well, my birthday was rather uneventful, I spent it with Pieter watching movies and eating apple pie (which was kind of fun in itself... Pieter still is one of my bestest friends and a great guy to hang out with in general :) ). The vanishing girl didn't show up and to this day I haven't heard from her. Either something bad happened again, or something more sinister is going on. It's at times like this when I wish that something like a more regular relationship would open up to me, instead of these things which just makes me feel more miserable about myself, as though something is wrong with me which makes it impossible for me to make friends or have relationships.

Also on my Thursday I got a sudden call from a national (public) TV broadcaster, the AVRO. They had received my story (like a month or two ago) and the woman on the phone wanted to ask me a few questions. While she didn't deem my case suitable for the particular show she was calling for, she'd nevertheless make my data available to other shows (current and future). Who knows, I may hear something from it again within the next 5 years.

On Wednesday (sudden flashback) I went to my GP (physician) because I still felt miserable and had suffered from severe stomach cramps on Tuesday night. She deemed that tests wouldn't be needed as the most likely cause for my physical discomfort was stress possibly combined with flu. I had to quit with the painkillers, though, especially the ones I had borrowed from Pieter. So I did.

On Thursday I felt miserable and depressed, on Friday I felt fine, even happy, on Saturday miserable again and Sunday fine. On Monday I simply felt like like curling up and dying, at which point Pieter made an appointment for me with my GP that same day. The result of that appointment is that at my own request I'm now taking anti-depressants (Citalopram 10 mg) and will be talking with a psychiatrist. I'm not sure about the latter yet, but after two days of taking this anti-depressant I feel that my mood has more or less stabilized.

I still feel irked, irritated, jealous and frustrated at hearing people discussing their relations, sex life and showing off their much prettier bodies (in my eyes), but I don't really get depressed at it. Or rather I'm depressed still, but instead of dropping down the dark, bottomless pit I instead keep dangling kind of on the edge, at the point where I really couldn't care less about anything. This has been my general mood for most of today now.

Anyway, next Thursday is the MRI scan at the Erasmus MC in Rotterdam. I'll see what I'll be doing tomorrow, probably helping Pieter with some odd jobs around the house and working on some of my projects. I hope to learn more about the exact reason behind the MRI scan on Thursday, as well as when the results will be known. If it's just a confirmation after they've looked at the German MRI images it'd be the most interesting of course.

Aside from the Erasmus MC there's the VUMC who don't seem to be in any particular hurry to analyse the MRI images. This is the 3rd week now and after Ms Janssen of the complaint commission supposedly called the radiologist on Friday no news has come forward. If I wasn't doped up on anti-depressants I'd probably feel really annoyed at this :)

Pieter also called the hospital in Hilversum regarding my surgery. As it turns out there are a few places in the Netherlands which do the kind of surgery I need, and we'll look at it a bit more closely after I get my condition recognized.

So yeah, time for bed now. 11 PM is late enough for me :P


Monday, 1 September 2008

Exciting Uncertainty...

First day of September and the countdown to my birthday starts. September 4th for those who forgot. I expect piles of presents on this day, or else I'll shut down this blog... er, wait. I meant I won't shut it down :D

So Friday I got another letter from the Erasmus MC. Cancellation of the MRI scan appointment? Nope, just the same letter as the first one minus the attachments. I still have no idea what's going on there, but I'll see on September 11th, I guess. Pieter will probably go together with me on that day.

Saturday I went to visit friend R in Zevenaar, in the southern part of the country. It was quite a fun day, with a trip to Germany in there as well (for grocery shopping :P ), as well a lot of talking (and crying, for me). I got home around 12.30 AM, nearly fell asleep in the train and awoke feeling like I had been ran over by a truck. Twice.

Yesterday I also got the best news in a while: the girl I told about before who had suddenly vanished is back :) As it turned out she got food poisoning on Monday and thus wasn't able to come here. She spent two days in hospital, suffering tests and from dehydration. At the moment she's still recovering, but she hopes to be there for my birthday :)

It's interesting, though... although I have only really talked to her for about two days before she vanished, I haven't thought about anyone so much in a single week, or been worried about a single person to such an extent. In the email she sent me, she told me she was worried that I might be angry at her, or hurt. Now I must admit that I did feel somewhat hurt when she didn't show up on Monday, worry and confusion were the prime feelings during that time.

I didn't believe she might have just left me because she got afraid or so. It all didn't fit. Truth to be told I'm glad it was something like this and not something with more lasting consequences. Seeing how restless I got with her just missing, I don't want to think about how I'd have felt if I had never heard from her again, or heard on the news that she had died or so... I have experienced once before already what it's like to care about someone but to be completely incapable of conveying those feelings (with the other side having the same issues), and that was (is) bad enough. So yes, I'm relieved :)

Well, I'm still paranoid, I guess... since I still haven't met her in real life and hardly know anything about her. There are still hundreds of warning bells and lights fighting for my attention at every point. Naturally, I'm not the type who easily commits herself to a relationship. I'm not like my brothers who have gone through a dozen girlfriends each by now, at which I just shake my head in disbelief.

The perfect person for me is someone who complements me, with whom I can talk about anything and everything which interests me as well as the other way, and where we can both contribute ideas and solutions to each other's issues. Any other kind of relationship is in my eyes a crime. To see people in a relationship where they both work in very different jobs, have different interests and only have a passing interest in each other, where 'being together' is more of a requirement to exist than to be happy. It's the closest equivalent to Hell I can think of in a relationship.

Anyway, moving on :) I've just managed to get Visual Studio 2005 up and running again so that I can finally resume the work on my AI. There's only a few months left in this year to finish the IO, memory and other subsystems and I want to fulfill my promise to make an AI equivalent to or better than a 12-year old girl. A gifted girl, of course, since I'm using the algorithms of my own brain.

Another challenge is the body of this gynoid (robot with a human female look). I have got a number of artificial muscle designs lying around which I'd like to build and test, but I lack the (financial) resources to do so. I have already rejected the use of servos and other common actuators since they're too clumsy, slow or complex. I really need my own laboratory, I guess...