Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Moving... Again

The very first time I moved was when I was only a few years old, when the farm house we were living in burned down. We lived in a temporary building until the new house had been built and we could move into it. We lived there until my father cheated on my mother and dumped her for another woman. That's when we moved to a nearby city. After half a year we moved to the other side of the country, because there was nothing in that city for my mother. I just went along, as I didn't have anything or anyone keeping me there.

Cue 3 years of medical drama, as well as my first sexual experience in the form of getting raped, both leaving huge emotional scars and causing me to want to run away from it all. Hence I moved to Canada. There I discovered that there was nothing for me either, so I moved back to the Netherlands, where I had to stay at an acquaintance's place. There I had to move from again after a month because they were going on vacation. That's when I ended up where I am living now. 7 moves total, 5 of which I remember.

This morning I started packing for my eighth move. With each of the last couple of moves I seem to carry along fewer possessions.

Sitting here amidst open boxes and piles of books and other items, I find myself looking into the mirror affixed to one of the closets in the room. In the eyes I see reflected back at me, I can see many unanswered questions, and more confusion. I knew that my staying here was temporary, and that I have overstayed my welcome by years, but I never suspected that I'd be leaving under these current circumstances, basically craving to get away as soon as possible.

Half a year ago I dreaded leaving, departing from this place, living on my own, never sharing shopping trips with my housemate again. Now that everything has turned sour and daily life has become an abstract play of tears getting away from here seems to provide at least some solutions.

Not all solutions. Not by far. Yesterday I had a friend over, which was fun and interesting, and we talked about lots of things. Yet social contact like this is a definite double-edged sword for me, as it makes me feel accepted and welcome on one side, and on the other side strongly reinforces the raw pain of the emptiness where for a regular person one's physical identity would go.

I look into the mirror and I don't know what I see. Why does this something, this person I see in the mirror do certain things? What motivates this person? All I know for a fact is that this person I see and which I am likes learning and knowledge, as well as being occupied with intellectual pursuits. As for the physical composition of the body I am seeing, it might as well be a black hole. There is nothing there, just a distorted image I can't make heads or tails of.

One of the topics I discussed yesterday with this friend was that of my promise to myself that I will pursue euthanasia if by the end of next year I will have made no progress in obtaining the answers surrounding my physical identity. I think she understood why I desire this, and why those answers are crucial to me.

There's also the very real risk that if I end up moving to a place I really do not like, it might make me feel terrible enough that I decide to end things before that time. I need to be able to worry less at this point, not more. I couldn't use the additional stress of my current living situation either, or false accusations I can not defend myself against which just make me want to punch things in frustration.

It's hard to imagine ending up in a place worse than where I live now, but I once also thought that a single person couldn't get all the misfortune I have had thrown at me throughout my life. When people say that I'm strong, they actually mean that they appreciate it that I haven't found the courage yet to give up on living and hope reincarnation is real so that I can give life another whirl, this time without having the entire deck stacked against me.

Later this week I expect to hear back on an apartment. Just for once I hope things will work out. It would be nice... *laughs bitterly*


Monday, 27 December 2010

Accusations Without Recourse

The words of the verdict echo between the walls of
The court's hall, unassailable and beyond criticism.
Each syllable burning its way through my mind.
Filled with anger, outraged at this display of
Injustice never forced itself upon me like this.

Glancing about the hall for support, yet there are
Only leering and shouting faces show their support
For the judgement, guilty as charged.
While guards drag me away, I declare my innocence
Over and over again, to the public's amusement.

The bitter realization of truth being that which
The more powerful make it up at their own whim.
Manipulative, self-serving, convinced of their own
Right to do upon others as they deem fit from inside
Their narrow-minded world of deceit and lies.

Never having been allowed to plead my case, my few
Friends are powerless to undo this injustice.
A mere sacrificial pawn for those unhindered by
Morals are only for fools and the weak.
All that rests me are the hours until first daylight.

The morning's first rays, and its mild breeze; I feel
Tears are streaming down my face unchecked. Before me
The executioner's block, fattened from so much blood.
In the crowd, those I trusted, those I thought friends.
I scream out my defiance, my pain and hatred.

Before being pushed down onto the block, head-first
Their amused smirks like daggers into my soul.
Nothing is left, nothing can be done, except give in.
Die, for the satisfaction of those who least deserve
Drawing breath, I bitterly smile for the last time ever.


Saturday, 25 December 2010

Merry XMas

Nearing the end of this year and I'm beyond and sick of tired of: disappointments, getting harassed and falsely accused, emotions and feelings, people in general, losing friendships, having the Talk after a few dates, being lonely, being different, not knowing what I am, not having anyone care about my issues, searching for a new place, fearing getting kicked out of where I live, getting pressured into performing, not having a stable income, chasing dreams, being bitter, not having basic questions answered, thinking about suicide, thinking about euthanasia, being in pain, not seeing much of a future.

On the other hand I'm grateful for: learning to know more and more new people, being allowed to talk to Dutch politicians about the Dutch medical system, hopefully having a Dutch hospital take me seriously for a change.

I'm also grateful for being someone who: is always nice to those who deserve it, never insults or hurts anyone, has a very strong sense of justice, forgives easily, is intelligent, has a healthy body.

I hope that next year is going to be a heck of a lot more pleasant than 2010. My first priorities will be finding a new place to live before the end of January, preferably sooner, and to get a stable income. The latter will just take some more time and more work on our games; TileWars on the edge of being done, the sad thing is that a nearly finished game is as useful as one one didn't even start on yet. As for finding a place, I honestly do not have a clue, as in a perfect world I'd have the chance to get an income first, then look for a place to live.

At least I should have plenty of places to store my things when/if I end up living on the streets next month. Positive thinking.


Tuesday, 21 December 2010


It just occurred to me that today is the third anniversary of the MRI scan in Germany, and hearing the diagnosis I thought would finally put my life back into order. In light of that nothing could be more ironic than my current situation.

Although I'm being heavily censored, I'll nevertheless attempt to give a description of the events as they occurred. I just recovered from another 30 minute long paralyzation attack, triggered just before starting dinner. It first made me feel shocked deep inside, the feeling of not being able to believe what one just heard, slowly growing into a feeling of being overwhelmed. By the end of dinner I slowly made my way upstairs to my room, already feeling that I was losing control over my muscles.

I did get in front of my computer, hoping that it might distract me and maybe make the event pass without causing me to withdraw into myself. Unfortunately I had no such luck. I felt the familiar fatalistic thoughts and the knowledge that I had reached every limit I could reach. As I realized that I was going to have to ride this one out again without being in control of it, I attempted to get from my chair to my bed, removing the notepad which was lying on it and noticing that my muscle control had degraded to the point where controlled motions were quite hard.

Realizing it would be lucky if I managed to get to my I tried to get into the best position, turning my chair so that it was next to my bed and I should be able to just slide over. Unfortunately I miscalculated and I simply fell off my chair, hit my knees on the floor first, then hurt my left hip as only my right arm and head made it onto the bed. My neck found itself lodged somewhat painfully on the edge, and my left shoulder pressed tightly against the side of the bed. This is the position I found myself stuck in for a full thirty minutes, unable to move, unable to speak or cry out for help.

Not that crying out for help would do me much good these days, though. As said by many before me, Hell is defined by irony. Having the one person who is always there for you when you need help the most turn into the one actively causing discomfort is a perfect example. Committing suicide as a result would then be the ultimate irony.

Just thinking about my current situation I feel sickened and very much discouraged. It's somewhat akin to finding oneself lying with a broken leg somewhere in the midst of some kind of wilderness, without having any clue as to which direction is the right one, while feeling sick from the pain. Melodramatic comparison, I know. Yet it's also very much alike. Such as how most people when stranded in a hostile area will continue to fight, will refuse to let themselves become a victim of circumstances, and do everything they can to survive, I too refuse to become a victim of circumstances. Yet one can stave off the predators and other threats for only so long until succumbing.

I got a response back from city hall earlier today, basically telling me to apply for social housing for urgent cases. I guess that's what I'll be doing. I really do not feel happy or anything else at the thought of moving, though. I'll still be alone. I just won't have people preying on me in real life. I hope. Otherwise it'll still be the same old story. The spark of joy inside my chest is as strong as the fire in a pile of week-old ashes.

Remembering how I felt on that day, exactly three years ago, I can not describe the feelings which threaten to tear me apart. It's such a bitterly poisonous irony to recall the intense feeling of relief and rightness of that day and then remember how every single last bit of those feelings getting crushed slowly during the next years until only the current me is left: a bitter, disillusioned being, a mere shadow, wandering around aimlessly without knowing the reason for its existence.

Isn't life wonderful?


Free Stuff In Life

This morning was a bit of a rush job so far. I was supposed to be at the beauty salon at 9 AM, I got up in time, even prepared to leave a bit sooner than usual because it's snowy, cold and slippery outside. Don't want to take any chances, and such :) That's when things kind of grinded to a halt.

First I found out that my bike has a flat rear tire. The fix I did on the inner tube a few years ago probably gave out since it was on a rather unfortunate spot to begin with, on a seam. I'll probably want to have the whole inner tube replaced by a bike shop to avoid the hassle of disassembling and reassembling the gearing system.

Okay, so no bike available, but there's still the train, right? Unfortunately while the 8.45 AM train was supposed to be there, it got canceled suddenly, and everyone waiting on the platform had to move to the other train, which departed at 9 AM. So I was going to be late for my appointment.

The nice part is that while waiting on the first platform I had already been looking at the people around me, trying to get a feeling for the situation, as I'm sure many people do. When the train got canceled there was this girl who for some reason seemed receptive to a remark about the canceled train, so I made the usual remarks about them suddenly canceling without telling us.

You really shouldn't ask me how this keeps happening to me, but I frequently have very lively conversations with perfect strangers, it's like there's some kind of invisible signal, telling all parties involved who is up for a conversation or so.

So, this girl turned out to speak English, and Italian because that's where she's from. We were sitting next to each other in the train, talking about culture and language and things like that, I mentioned something about the difference between German and Dutch magazines, in how they handle things, and that's how we ended up talking about the articles I have been in. I didn't tell her anything about my situation, just told her I have done interviews and photoshoots for magazines, and gave her the address of my website.

I like it when things flow naturally like this, and I don't feel like I'm forcing it on the other person. It's not like I am a selfish person, it's just that I have so many things I want to tell others about, and so many things I want attention for and help with, that it is hard to contain oneself at times. The feeling that you're begging for attention is then the absolute worst, as it just makes you feel pathetic.

Anyway, I was only ten minutes late for my appointment, which wasn't a problem. Waiting 20 minutes on the platform for a train back home was a lot worse in comparison. It's freezing about 5 degrees or so, which makes it very unpleasant to wait outside like that.

What is pleasant are such random conversations, as they make me feel like a happy little social critter, and makes me feel better about the world in general. People who seclude themselves from their surroundings and people who derive pleasure from insulting and harassing others are the ones who make this world a miserable place. The former rarely do it on purpose, but the latter should know better and are really among the lower lifeforms on this planet. I do try to stay the heck away from them, as they're just not worth the trouble. Having been stuck among mostly those unpleasant people for the past months, such a random conversation really cheers me up. And it's free :D

Also free is the laser therapy treatment my beautician offered me for next week Tuesday, which I think is incredibly nice of her. With some luck it'll speed up the hair-removal process, and it's free too.

Before the TV broadcast of November 9th I had this thought that maybe someone would offer something to help me with getting my own place to live at. That didn't quite happen, but I sent an email to the city hall this morning, asking them whether they could maybe help me find a new place really soon, possibly through some financial support. Who knows, that might actually work. There are regulations for special, urgent cases after all.


Monday, 20 December 2010

Anti-Depressants Aren't

Last week I was looking for a new source of valerian root extract, as the brand I am currently taking decided to change the contents, adding melatonin to the 250 mg version (Valdispert Nacht ('night')), which does make sense if you take them to sleep easier, but doesn't if you intend to use them during the day. One alternative I found is made by A Vogel, and contains primarily passion flower (P. incarnata)(1) which after some research turned out to function as an anti-depressant (2) thanks to the beta-carboline harmala alkaloids (3) it contains. The P. incarnata alkaloids in particular function as MonoAmine Oxide Inhibitors (MAOI)(4), the synthetic versions of which were common as anti-depressants until SSRI anti-depressants succeeded them.

The MAOI in P. incarnata happens to be both selective (doesn't target both MAO-A and MAO-B recepters) and reversible (doesn't deactivate MAO but merely  inhibits it in a temporary fashion). This makes it quite mild and also largely prevents the so-called 'cheese syndrome' (5) which is associated with the use of MAOI and consumption of tyramine simultaneously, leading to hypertensive crisis, which can be fatal.

Returning to the effects of MAOI, Wikipedia's article (4) lists the following under 'Mode of action':

"MAOIs act by inhibiting the activity of monoamine oxidase, thus preventing the breakdown of monoamine neurotransmitters and thereby increasing their availability. There are two isoforms of monoamine oxidase, MAO-A and MAO-B. MAO-A preferentially deaminates serotonin, melatonin, epinephrine and norepinephrine. MAO-B preferentially deaminates phenylethylamine and trace amines. Dopamine is equally deaminated by both types."

Looking at the types of neurotransmitters affected, we can see that a few of them aren't very useful if you want to feel relaxed, especially norepinephrine (6) which is a well-known stress hormone, together with epinephrine which is more commonly known as adrenaline (7).

The selectivity of MAOIs like the one in P. incarnata clearly doesn't extend to the exact types of neurotransmitters it affects, otherwise it would focus on increasing the availability of for example serotonin (8) instead, which is a substance which contributes to a feeling of well-being. It also makes it a very poor choice to combine with a GABA (9) receptor inhibiting substance like the one present in valerian root, as the relaxing effects of increased presence of GABA are counter-acted by the presence of norepinephrine and epinephrine.

It also shows clearly why both SSRI and MAOI-based anti-depressants are a very poor choice of medication in the case of stress, like mine, as it will actually amplify the fight or flight mechanism, not reduce its effect.

So, to get back to last week, I tried those pills with P. incarnata extract until yesterday and while the first day was fine, after that I began to feel very restless, I began to experience a dull, nauseating headache and found myself unable to nap, or sleep without the use of sleeping pills. I also was extremely agitated, having to resist countless impulsive thoughts and desires. Let's just say that a person in my situation, with this type of medication would be very easily provoked into physical violence, vandalism and many other types of unsavory, impulsive acts.

Yesterday morning I took the last of these pills and last night I took a pure valerian root pill again. I did take a sleeping pill last night, as I was still feeling extremely agitated, making for the fourth in a row which is basically inviting addiction, not to mention a very expensive hobby. This morning I am feeling a lot better, especially after I managed to actually nap for an hour after taking another valerian pill. A few hours ago I went to my GP, had a nice talk with her about this issue and the stresses surrounding my current living situation, and also managed to obtain some Valdispert Nacht without the melatonin, probably an old batch.

Which leads me to my original question I started with last week: where to obtain valerian root extract in 250 mg/pill dosage or similar without any melatonin, passion flower or other unwanted substances added? Maybe I should just look online...



Sunday, 19 December 2010


As I said in my blog post yesterday, I was quite hysteric. In short it's basically what the medical part of my PTSD looks like. This morning I read the next response from the MRI Centrum. The radiologist in question, Philip Pevenage, said that with the existing low-resolution scans he would not be able to see the hole I specified, but mentioned that such a vagina-like hole of insignificant depth is a known occurrence among intersexual people. This is the first time that anyone medically educated has admitted that me and others feeling 'something vagina-like' there isn't just a crazy thought.

He also said that a good, physical examination is required at this point by someone who is interested in answering these questions. He recommended the UZ Gent hospital for this, but as I mentioned in my reply to him this morning, that always comes down to finances again, as my insurance company refuses to pay for anything outside this country, and thus I'll have to secure funding elsewhere before I take such a step.

I also mentioned to him that I am currently waiting for the UMC Utrecht hospital to get back to me, and that I hope that they can do this physical examination. I truly hope they can and want to do so, and that in less than 2 months this will all be over. And yes, I realize I have expressed the same hope dozens of time before. Sad, isn't it?


Saturday, 18 December 2010

The Same Pattern, Again

Earlier this week I sent an email including links to the MRI scans made so far to the MRI Centrum ( here in the Netherlands. They have looked at the MRI scans for signs of a vagina, and moments ago I received their report. They didn't see anything unusual, and concluded that the black tube visible on the MRI scans is just the front of the rectum wall. The German clinics just got confused. The email response continued by noting that I could receive further treatment at the UZ Gent in Belgium, in their transsexual protocol.

There are two things wrong with this. The first is that I am not looking to become anything. Yet again my wishes are completely misunderstood. What in the world would be the point of looking for answers to things I physically feel inside my own body if I'd just as easily get surgery to be a happy transsexual. I don't care about becoming or being a woman. I don't give a damn about gender or sexuality. I just want to know what I am.

This leads to the second thing wrong with this response: I, and others, can feel something underneath the skin which clearly does feel and respond like a vagina. While the MRI report says there's no tube visible, it doesn't provide an explanation for what this 'something' 'down there' is. That there is something is a fact, and I can't believe nobody can tell me what it is. I have sent an email response indicating this. I expect them to tell me that they don't see anything special on the MRI scans and that they can't provide an explanation for it.

If it sounds like I'm on the edge of hysteria it's because I am. Six years later and I'm still working on the basics. The more I try to get answers about what I am, the more I learn about what I am not. I'm not a woman, I'm not a man. I'm not a transsexual, that I could be intersexual is heavily controversial in the medical world. What I do or don't have in terms of reproductive organs and their functionality differs depending on who I ask.

I don't know anything. And I'm so tired of things being like this. It's making me think that the euthanasia option is the only humane way to deal with my situation. Next Tuesday I'll definitely discuss this with my GP, to see whether I can count on her helping me end this torturous existence next year if some ridiculous miracle doesn't occur soon.

Nobody can force me to live like this. Nobody can make me suffer like this. I make my own choices. Because in the end it's more important than anything to be free to choose the path one most desires.


Friday, 17 December 2010

Emergency Room, Yet Again

A few moments ago I was yet again at the local hospital's ER to have whatever condition I have checked out. From what little I can remember - because my memory is still seriously failing me - there is an inflammation in my chest which causes the chest pains, but I do not have bronchitis or worse, just a really bad cold combined with far too much stress to be healthy. The doctor's advice was to take it easy, relax, take a vacation, etc.

I have a deadline to make or I'll be living on the street early next year. Relaxing? I don't even know what the word means.

I'm really feeling at a loss here, to be quite honest. Not only will I keep feeling miserable for the next few weeks, be forced to skip one of my few social events of the week because I can't go outside, have to cancel a family dinner if I don't start feeling better really soon, and on top of that I also can't do any, or at least a significant amount of work because it's pushing me too hard?

To be honest I think that my work is the only thing keeping me slightly sane, while everything outside it, in the so-called 'Real World', is more of a kind of freakish nightmare of which I don't know how in blaze's name I ended up there. All I know is that I do not wish to spend any significant amounts of time there as it's bloody confusing and utterly painful.

Drama, yes. Lots of it. Welcome to my life. It's sometimes hard for me to step back and realize just how strangely I appear to others, especially in my desire to end my own life if I don't get a few answers about how my body is put together. Yes, my body is healthy, there's nothing wrong with it, I don't suffer from some kind of mystery illness or anything. And yet I so loathe it for what it stands for. Because of what its existence has done to my life. I don't just feel bitter about it, it's something far stronger than that.

Something like, why does everyone around me seem to know how their body works, but is this somehow information I'm not allowed to know. What is going on? What am I supposed to do with this body? I can't figure it out on my own. I need help here. Why am I not getting any help? Did I do something wrong? Shouldn't I have been born? Is my mere existence a mistake?

Facts and actions speak louder than words, and thus everything anyone tries to tell me to assure me that there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm okay just the way I am, and that one day I will get those answers and that I will just need to hang on for a little bit longer can just keep talking and talking, but they can not make me feel better. I know that they're trying to make me feel better, but they can not talk away my suffering at the hands of the cruel psychologists and doctors in this country. It is a fact that I was and still am being treated like garbage.

Maybe that UMC Utrecht hospital can change this view, but at the moment the doctor there is still on vacation so I won't know until later next year at the earliest. I also sent an email to the Middlesex clinic at a London hospital, and a friend sent a few emails to a couple of Norwegian hospitals. Further maybe my appearance next month in a big German magazine will make something in that country happen, it is a pretty good article. Finally Linda Voortman can maybe do something for me after our talk in about one month time.

All hope isn't lost, but I wish I at least had a stable financial and living situation. Those two things alone would take away so many of my troubles and stress. I'd like a life of my own, not feeling like I'm living on the scraps of other people's lives. I already have zero self-esteem without all these issues and people bashing me over the head with things they see as failings about me and my life.

I'm trying, even if I perhaps really do suck at life. I'll be quitting by the end of next year if it still hasn't worked out, though. One has to know when to stop being foolhardy.


Please Join The Back Of The Queue

Just over two weeks ago I got a cold. Nothing special, just a sore throat for a few days making swallowing a painful affair. Then the coughing started, plus I spent a day in bed with a fever. I would like to note that fevers are very unusual for me. Even as a child I spent more time in bed whenever I was sick being utterly bored than with a significant fever. Now, I thought it was kind of unusual that I kept coughing and feeling unwell for so long. When I mentioned this yesterday in my IRC channel (irc://, someone there mentioned the possibility of bronchitis, based on the symptoms (1).

This would explain the coughing persisting for weeks, the shortness of breath which I have been experiencing for a while but simply ascribed to hyperventilating, fatigue and the chest discomfort. Then some people on a forum I frequent urged me to go to my GP right away with this, as bronchitis can develop into pneumonia (2).

Reading the list of symptoms on pneumonia was interesting, as it listed a chest pain which fluctuates with breathing (pleurisy)(3) as one of the symptoms. This just happens to be something I have been experiencing regularly for months now. Pleurisy is caused by an inflammation of the double membrane lining the chest cavity and surrounding the lungs. It's a common complication of pneumonia.

Considering that I have apparently experienced pleurisy for months, this could indicate that I have been walking around with developing pneumonia for a while now, and that only now it's becoming serious. Of the listed risk factors for pneumonia I do not classify for any of them, except one: compromised immune system. Prolonged exposure to significant stress levels have a proven negative effect on one's immune response, and the past few months have seen a significant increase for me, with a sharp spike during the past few weeks, coinciding with the occurrence of all these cold-like and bronchitis/pneumonia-like symptoms.

Whether I truly do have bronchitis, pneumonia or something else I won't find out until next week Monday at the earliest unless I go to the ER, as my GP didn't have time for me until Monday morning. Later today until late Monday I'll be home alone. Hopefully there are no complications during the weekend requiring assistance, as especially pneumonia isn't exactly known for being a mild condition.

I'll be staying at home, skipping swimming on Sunday morning as I do not wish to expose my lungs to more cold, dry air, nor possibly infect others. Maybe I'll manage to get some work done if I can stop feeling so darn fatigued and my memory starts cooperating again.



Saturday, 11 December 2010

Morphing Into A Social Butterfly

Yesterday I went to Amsterdam to visit the concert given there at the Van Gogh museum. The concert was about Chopin's life and works, and was performed by someone I'm proud to call a friend: Misaki Yamada. She played the piano and was accompanied by a video displayed on a big screen detailing the life of Chopin using Misaki's own drawings. It was very well done, very well performed and at certain points very funny or very touching. It made me wish the concert was even longer as it was very interesting and ended almost too quickly :) There should be a video of the concert available soon.

I also ended up talking a lot with the other girl who was having that birthday party on Tuesday. I ended up telling her a bit about my situation and she genuinely seemed interested, so we kept discussing the subject. It was very pleasant. As it turns out she also teaches at a place near where I live in Almere, so she'll be dropping by my place some time for a drink.

After the concert Misaki, me and a few others went to a nearby cafe for a drink. It was a lot of fun, even though Misaki was about to fall asleep as the exertion of the concert and the weeks of feverish preparation finally took their toll. She did make it home safely, fortunately. I hope to see her again soon.

With another friend I went to a birthday party of one of her friends, some girl I didn't know yet at all. As it turned out she was very nice as well and it was a fun party, even though we arrived quite late and the birthday girl was pretty much dozing off near the end. What struck me was that even though I arrived as an unexpected guest and perfect stranger to her, when it was time to leave she embraced me as well, and was chatting with her until everyone said their goodbyes. I even have added her to my Facebook friends list and she sent me a really nice message today. Chalk up another one for unexpected and very pleasant meetings.

I also met a guy at this party who offered to translate the article from next month's issue of Maxi from German to English and German to Dutch, which I thought was a very generous offer, especially since he doesn't know anything about me or my situation :)

After this birthday party my friend and I walked back to her place where I spent the night. Maybe it was because it was the first time I had spent the night there, but I didn't feel very well-rested by the time we had to get up. We walked to the station after a quick breakfast and around 10.30 AM I was back home. The primary sensation was that of exhaustion, though I didn't feel unhappy.

I ended up taking a 2-hour nap, caught up on my usual internet hangouts and email, didn't do the work I had promised myself I would do today and a few moments ago I had pizza for dinner and am kind of debating whether or not to take a sleeping pill tonight.

Why a sleeping pill, you might ask. Shouldn't I be feeling happy and satisfied and nearly stress-free after such a fun time? It's kind of complex.

While, as pointed out by multiple people yesterday, I am very social, easy to talk with, and happen to know a lot of things which keeps any discussion interesting, that's just one part of socializing. There's also the part I prefer to call the Dark Side, which is composed out of topics such as relationships, sexuality and friendship to some extent as well.

The issue I keep running into is that when it comes down to it part of my emotional development are still stuck somewhere before the full onset of puberty, due to the fact that I do not know what my body is really like, and have no means to learn to know my body, ergo my development in those areas is practically absent. The result is akin to being torn apart, in an almost literal sense. Part of me is elated at discovering how easy it is for me to make friends, and that I seem to have no self-esteem issues there at all.

At the other side there is the part where I'm feeling deserted and abandoned. Where I feel like huge chunks of myself are missing. Where confrontations with the Dark Side of socializing make me feel very upset and depressed, and make me cry uncontrollably in sheer misery like I did earlier. It feels as though that with this part of my very being is being ripped away. There's no harmony, no union. There are just these two parts threatening to ruin my life if I persist in continuing my current course.

Where I notice this for example is in how much my hatred of sexuality and disgust with relationships have increased as of late. It's taking on very grotesque proportions, to the point where it is purely irrational emotional negative energy. It makes me pause and consider the consequences of the current changes in my life.

What is so screwed up about this whole situation is that if the medical system in this bloody country had actually done its job I wouldn't be stuck in this impossible situation. I would have gone through a somewhat difficult but not impossible late emotional puberty, and things would have balanced out by itself. Now however I'm stuck with a situation which can only end badly.

The doctor at the UMC Utrecht hospital who had offered to help me is currently absent, but will contact me as soon as he returns. I hope it's soon and that he can offer me real help. I'm not looking forward to the suffering I'll have to undergo or worse if this all takes much longer.


Saturday, 4 December 2010


Last night I went to bed around 9 PM, got woken up by the dogs howling downstairs, couldn't sleep afterwards and didn't have the luxury of taking a sleeping pill because my housemate had forgotten to give me one. Ultimately I stayed up until midnight, an hour of which was spent talking on the phone with my mother, on the current situation between my housemate and I.

This morning I woke up feeling pretty okay, until things came crashing down around 8 AM, when I began to feel really sick. I don't really remember every detail of or order in which things happened, but all I know is that I took my temperature and it was around 37.6 degrees Celsius. At least it explained why I wasn't feeling so well, as well as my fuzzy memory. I went back to bed and slept for at least three hours.

Waking up my temperature had dropped 0.1C. Yay. I still felt quite miserable and absolutely not like eating. I did take the second valerian pill of the day, however. I felt miserable enough already without increasing the emotional misery as well :) I think it was around 2 PM when I finally began to feel a bit better. My temperature by then had dropped to just above 37C, which is still elevated for me (normal is ~36.6C). I was just left with this piercing headache and nasty cough.

The former was easily dealt with a handful of painkillers, the latter I can't seem to find any effective therapy for. Cough drops and such don't seem to have more than a very slight and temporary effect, so I'm just kind of struggling on there. The worst part of the experience so far was when I began to feel really suicidal and such. As I mentioned before, physical discomfort can really push me off a cliff, or at least very close to the edge.

Curious about this all is that I haven't been sick like this for many years. The last time I can remember was when I was still a child. My suspicion is that the added stress of the past few days has really affected my immune system, making me more susceptible than normally. The canker sores I got a few days ago are also a hint towards this.

The past few days have been quite surreal. I guess it's all part of the usual mourning process after realizing some terrible truth. First of course denial, then anger, bargaining and finally acceptance. The last stage kind of began yesterday, with yet another argument between my housemate and I which I think finally made me realize that bargaining really isn't going to work. Hence acceptance, no matter how hard it is. I can feel a lot of sadness and grief now when I think of how pleasant the past few years have been, which makes it so hard to deal with the current situation.

I guess things are going to rapidly change for me now, with the first release of a video game by Nyanko hopefully this month before XMas, which should lead to proper revenue for the company and financial independence for me, allowing me to start living on my own at last. I'll also start lobbying next year January, and I'll have my media debut in Germany that same month.

I also seem to be developing something resembling a network of friends. Next week I have one birthday party and one friend's concert scheduled. This would have been unthinkable even a few months ago. I'm also having the weekly torture appointments at the beauty salon again, which I'm looking forward to because the people there are just so nice and friendly. I'll never forget how they took care of me when I came there that one weekend, completely in shock and unable to speak even a single word lest I'd burst into tears.

There are so many good things in my life and so many good things just on the horizon, but Heavens know how hard it is to not be overwhelmed by darkness. Just a few more months...


Friday, 3 December 2010


If there is one thing I desire most in my life it has to be stability. If there is one thing human society is the antithesis of, it has to be stability. Note that I mean stability here as the opposite of a chaotic system, a system in which there are too many variables to reliably make any long-term predictions. In essence a stable system is one in which change still occurs, but which is very predictable in a short-, medium- and long-term perspective.

In my own life that would mean actually knowing what will happen to me next year, next month. Even next week. At this point I do not have a clue. Even this morning part of me was still convinced that I would find myself homeless due to an argument with my housemate involving our friendship and the unmentionable thing which I'm forbidden to ever write or speak about in public. Suffice it to say that it involved harassment last night by one of my very own stalkers, which sent me into shock and ended up in me actually physically hurting my housemate.

None of this I could have predicted even half a year ago. The human tendency to completely change the course of their lives seemingly at random is something which truly mystifies me. My own goals and lists of things to accomplish in life are pretty clear and there is absolutely no chance I'll ever deviate from it, aside from suicide. Irrational behaviour is something I can not understand or come to terms with. All I can do is ignore it and focus on what can be understood.

One thing which offers me some stability - if I ignore my work - is the group of friends I'm beginning to gather around me, also thanks to the girl I dated a few months ago, who introduced me to some of her friends and whose birthday party I'll frequent next week, followed by a concert by one of her friends later that week. While no one around me can possibly understand or do something about this intense feeling of loneliness and craving for understanding I feel inside almost every moment that I'm awake and often bothers me while asleep, it is reassuring to know that I'm still part of something. Some kind of network, with individuals who do care at least a bit about me. If I was still stuck here at home with no one to talk to but some friends thousands of kilometers away, I'm not sure I'd still be here.

As I said, I do not know what next week will bring. I have my usual two appointments at the beauty salon, I'm also getting my hair cut on Tuesday with that birthday party later that day and the concert on Friday. Those are factual things, of which I do not know what may transpire during or between these events. I do not know how I'll feel after the party, after the concert. I do not know whether I'll get a response from the UMC hospital. I do not know whether they can really offer me anything or whether it'll just be another disappointment.

People have told me that change is part of life, but as I said in the beginning, there's a difference between stable, predictable change and erratic, chaotic change. The latter is bearable to some extent, but at this point I feel like nothing but a cheap plastic toy being tossed about in a fast-flowing river, getting sucked under water, crashing into rocks and so on, with no idea when it will end, or which pains and disappointments I'll be forced to suffer next, without being able to exercise even the tiniest amount of control over my life.

I can say that there are some good things in my life, that some things are fun or enjoyable, but taken as a whole, I honestly do not know why I'm still bothering. I'm just too tired to deal with the constant 'surprises' life keeps shooting at me using an air canon at high speeds.


Thursday, 2 December 2010

Help At Last?

Before I begin, I apologize for any glitches you may encounter in the following post. I'm trying to cope with a somewhat degrading living situation and any fall-out which may be the result of upcoming confrontations. It does take a fair bit of one's concentration and energy :)

Earlier today I received an email from my contact person at BNN, who forwarded me a message BNN had received on November 17th (yes, two weeks ago), from a surgery-assistant at the UMC Utrecht hospital, directed at me. The woman in question informed me that she had seen the TV broadcast on November 9th and since she works at the Wilhelmina Kinderziekenhuis (Wilhelmina Children's Hospital) which is connected to the UMC Utrecht, and she encounters quite a few intersex cases among the children she sees during her work, it piqued her interest and she decided to discuss it with a doctor there.

This doctor, a urologist called Pieter Dik, indicated that he could possibly help me, so that's when the assistant decided to send me the message. Although the time delay did put somewhat of a blemish on the joy this evoked for me, it's nevertheless quite possible that this is the breakthrough I have been looking for. I sent Dr Dik an email at any rate and hope to hear from him soon. I also sent the surgery-assistant a thank-you email for her troubles :)

Part of me feels exulted at this news, while another part is completely skeptical. The coming months should make it clear which side was more justified in its response. One thing which helps is that this is the first time a hospital has come forward and offered to help me, instead of me having to go there to beg for help. I'd like to think I'm done with the groveling at this point.

Maybe if things go well, I could stop using these sedation pills as well. The past two days I had been experimenting with a lower dosage (240 mg/day instead of 500 mg valerian root extract), but with a clearly more distinct emotional response and duration during the day with the sedation effect quickly wearing off after dinner time, making my nights quite restless. I had to resort to taking extra pills of the 60 mg variety the first night, and a sleeping pill the second.

The complete rush or should I say torrent of feelings and thoughts which assault me without the sedation effect is just astounding. I can't believe I managed to do anything useful with all that going on inside my head. Suffice it to say that I won't be rid of these pills until some things in my life fundamentally change, the primary ones being getting the answers I seek about my body and becoming financially independent and living on my own. I never thought I'd yearn to leave my current place, but lately triggers related to traumas have been sneaking into life here, and I feel I need a complete break from it.

Maybe next year is the year when everything turns out alright after all...


Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Nyanko CMS

Today marks the first day that Nyanko Content Management System (NCMS) is in actual production use, running a commercial site. After starting the project a few years ago to replace the 'lite' CMS the site was (and still is) running but never making much headway, I got the opportunity to finish developing it just over a month ago when my cousin gave me the go ahead to use NCMS as the basis for her company's website.

Since then I have spent weeks analyzing the existing code, rewriting some parts, debugging many lines of code and encountered some rather silly glitches such as not using mysql_real_escape_string() on a string I had to insert into the database, which would hilariously result in query execution errors when you least expect them. Another favourite error of mine is the one when opening files in PHP, using a function like fopen(), or file_put_contents(): "[..] failed to open stream: No such file or directory in [..]", which basically comes from the fact that while these functions can open and create files, they can not create directories in the path provided which aren't there. You have to create those yourself.

The CMS itself is pretty advanced in many respects: fully modular, PHP-based, limited to a MySQL backend but easily extended, with separate development and production website instances for the more demanding enterprise situations. It also features an AES-encrypted link between the development and production sites making the use of HTTPS and an expensive SSL certificate unnecessary. Finally NCMS employs a powerful and highly configurable caching mechanism, allowing it to scale to even the largest sites.

Why didn't I pick another, existing CMS? Why not go with Joomla, Drupal, or one of the dozens of other PHP-based CMSs? Primarily their complexity and wealth of bad design choices which resulted in limitations. The focus with NCMS from the beginning has been to make the design as uncompromising as possible, with only the most minimal set of requirements on each module. Template files need only the most basic adaptations to use them with NCMS and modules communicate using strict APIs and protocols.

At this point NCMS is essentially still a prototype. Particularly the administration section is still kind of basic and many more tasks need to be simplified and automated. What I'm considering is porting the current purely PHP-based administration section to a C++-, Qt-based desktop application, mostly for ease of installation and use, as well as for performance reasons.

I'll be using NCMS for future client sites, as well as my own sites. Once it's more developed I'll also consider licensing the CMS itself, commercially and maybe a free license as well. Open sourcing it is not on my list of options at this point, however, as I fail to see the point of doing so.

*dodges incoming flames*