Wednesday, 23 July 2014

In The End Everybody Lies And Is Wrong

I just received a letter from the clinic I recently had the MRI scan at containing the results for the MRI scan and the genetics results on my blood. After the earlier surgery cancellation by another hospital in Erding this letter went even further. Basically I'm not a hermaphrodite. They found no indications that I'm intersex at all. Genotype and SRY look normal, MRI scan shows male reproductive organs including a prostate. I should be a normal biological male as far as this hospital is concerned. And yet I'm not.

Whether this hospital is trying to deceive me or not isn't even that relevant any more. Or that they're the first German hospital to not conclude I'm a hermaphrodite. They did consult a Dutch physician from the VUmc gender team in the Netherlands, but that shouldn't affect their judgement so much, should it? In the end the point seems to be that there won't be any answers to what this body is, which genitals I do or don't have, why I have these monthly cramps and pains and what the hell has been happening in general that I have a body which from a young age has decided to be decidedly not male.


For over a decade now I have been going from hospital to hospital, always getting contradicting conclusions without any real answers. Germany was supposed to be the end point of my medical search as they had up till now always concluded that I'm a hermaphrodite, which is what led me to get vaginal reconstruction based on their findings. Now it appears that a decade wasn't long enough to find answers. At this point I'm throwing in the towel, releasing all five sets of MRI scan images in the idle hope that something good will come from it. I'm all out of ideas and losing what little bit of myself I thought I knew to ever increasing dissociation.

So, here are the MRI scans. I don't know what's on them any more. I never looked at the fifth set, even. I don't really care any more. I'm just a brain without a body at this point. Medical secrecy never did me any good, so feel free to share, I guess.

2007-12-21: MRI, Germany:
2008-11-06: Erasmus MC, Netherlands:
2009-12-??: OLVG, Netherlands:
2013-06-28: MST, Netherlands:
2014-07-08: Uni Tübingen, Germany:

Will there be further updates on this blog? Doubtful. I started this blog seven years ago to document my search for answers about this frustratingly confusing body of mine. Unless there's anything to write about which doesn't involve me feeling sorry for myself, there's no point to ever adding to this blog again.



a_g said...

Well, there is one possibility that hasn't been mentioned. you could have an abnormality in your body where it is MORE male than female. your general appearance from the neck down is male, but you are producing chemicals normally found in a female body and have some active internal organs that are female. While you may not be a hermaphrodite, per se, you are still intersex and thus identify with both genders. I don't see any reason to be ashamed of that, because it makes you unique and just because your body is different doesn't mean you can't still be a good friend and a great programmer. so try not to get this latest round of news get to you, because you will always be you.

Kailana S. Alaniz said...

Sorry to read this Maya. Seriously I have no trust in medical personnel. As I am post surgery without informed consent I know there's not much left. Still I expect the quacks to at least acknowledge what is left Ie evidence of previous surgeries, truncated vascular bundles that go to nothing now. So I do understand what you might be feeling right now. Stay strong, which I know it isn't easy to do I think your amazing.